Over the years, I have become an awful friend. I used to be the kind of friend that knew all the birthdays, sent the card and gave the best gifts. I don’t like to brag, but I did give some pretty stellar gifts. In retrospect, it was all an attempt to purchase the friendship, keep them close. I always wanted to be the one giving the best gift out of all others received. I had to be the best at that. After the first miscarriage, I started pulling away from friends. I didn’t go to a baby shower for over two years. And the first one I went to was very difficult. Even going into Target was hard. There’s always a child there. The baby department is central to the store, mocking your every move. Our virtual world has made it increasingly difficult to stay a part of that environment. Daily (pretty much hourly even), people are posting pictures of their children. I am constantly watching everyone’s kids grow up online. Watching from afar, comparing how old my child would have been to theirs. It’s a constant reminder that my babies aren’t here, but theirs are.
So far I know this blog is looking more and more like it’s dedicated to miscarriage and the babies I don’t have. And I can tell you right now, there’s no planned structure or grand plan in mind. I do want to get into my weight loss and go more into what the blog was initially titled for. We’ll get there… but for now miscarriage and babies are in the forefront of my mind.