Here’s looking at you, kid…?

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On August 27th I had surgery to remove my uterine septum. My septum was 18mm deep and the goal was to get it less than 10mm. A month later I went back for a post op appointment and my RE confirmed via ultrasound that my septum was still at 12mm. Only 6mm gone… During surgery she cut until she saw my main artery and stopped. I asked her if we should go back in for another surgery and try to get more of the septum and she said that it was up to me. At 12mm I’m still 86% chance of miscarriage–over 90% if the embryo implants on my septum. Anything over 10mm they recommend having the septum removed. I asked about the artery and she said that if it did get hit in a future surgery she would just cauterize it. Hmm. Wonder why she didn’t think of that when she was in there the first time? I also asked if I were just coming in as a first time patient if she would recommend going in to remove a septum at 12mm and she said yes. But, if I wanted to try and see what happened, we were given the go ahead to try. She did state that I should start trying as soon as possible before more polyps came back; she took out several during the hysteroscopy/septum resection surgery (which also turned into another D&C). Before leaving I asked her if there was a reason each pregnancy was getting shorter. The first baby made it to 12 weeks. The second to 7 1/2 weeks. The third baby only 6 1/2. She said that each pregnancy was it’s “own occurrence” and they were not related to each other. I found it odd that she stated it that way… Each was their own occurrence. Not related to each other. Well, they are related. They’re all mine, from my body. Are my eggs getting too old? Is my body giving up on me?

We did not start trying in September or October because on October 30th I had to have surgery on my left shoulder–rotator cuff surgery. In June I hurt myself at work and I was doing physical therapy with the hopes that I wouldn’t need the surgery. I’ve been off work since the rotator surgery and doing physical therapy. I will be nine weeks post op this Wednesday. I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow to check the status. Hopefully, we can start trying soon.

When we do start trying, I will need to be on folic acid, take progesterone vaginal inserts 3 days after I’ve ovulated and the minute I know I’m pregnant, I will need to be heparin shots because I have a blood clotting disorder called an MTHFR factor. We could and should do another septum resection, but I’m not ready to go through that surgery again. I’m not ready to go through another miscarriage again, either. Will I blame myself even more if I miscarry again because I didn’t go back in and get the surgery redone? I’m sure I’ll blame myself either way.

One final irony… I went to my regular gynecologist at the beginning of this month for my pap and annual exam. I always dread going there because there are newborn baby pictures everywhere. This year, though, I was brought into a different room. There were no baby pictures. There was this:

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The nurse, Julie, who put me in this room knew what I had gone through the past two years. She was the one who would tell me that my HcG levels were going down and that I was miscarrying. She would call the insurance company on my behalf and she would call my RE to get the updates. I was grateful that she put me in this room. It did, however, make me sad. Was this now my future? A couple of rocking chairs on the porch instead of pictures of babies plastering my walls? I wouldn’t say that I’ve given up on having a baby, but slowly you start to wonder the fate of your future. You see this picture and you start to believe that there is a new reality out there… One without babies, diapers and tiny toes. There’s only so much time left. There’s only so much money. We can’t afford several thousand dollars of treatments and we also can’t afford adoption. If it doesn’t happen soon, it won’t happen at all.

My best friend, who I spoke about in my entry titled “Septum Stuff,” is currently six months pregnant. I saw her over this past weekend and she offered, again, to carry our baby after she has her third baby (this is her second pregnancy). She said in three or four years she’d like to carry our baby for us, if it doesn’t happen before then. I told her I appreciated the sentiment, but I could never allow her to do that. She said we would discuss it further down the road… Again, this would cost over $100,000… There are legal fees and costs that our insurance wouldn’t cover. We couldn’t afford this either. We can start saving and see if we can get anywhere close to where we need to be, but I don’t know if I could ever let someone do such a selfless act for me.

The future is scary. I’m a planner and I can’t plan any of this. I can only hope that I can accept however this is meant to turn out.

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