Stressed Out

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I have a spoon and a jar of Nutella. Don’t mess with me.

What do you do when you’re stressed? Try to find ways to de-stress? Is there really such a thing? I’ve been wanting (for a long time now) to try and learn to meditate. I’m stressed out by the fact that I don’t think that I can meditate properly. I’ve tried, very briefly, and I get so anxious that I’m not sitting correctly or breathing correctly that I starting panicking. Lately, my headaches have gotten so bad from stress and I have no way to relieve them… and the more stressed I am, the worse the headache is, and the worse the headache gets, the worse the stress gets. Definitely not a winning scenario.

There are many reasons for the stress… Trying to have too many goals and not having immediate gratification is part of it. Main goals at the moment (not in order of importance):

1. Lose weight. Nutella needs to be pried from my hands.

2. Blog.

3. Take and pass the NCIDQ. What’s the NCIDQ? It’s the National Council of Interior Design Qualification. (It’s like the bar exam for interior designers and is damn near impossible to pass for the first time.)

4. Help the perinatal hospice group, “The Corner,” that I’m involved in.

I feel like I’m pulled in many different directions. The first goal, losing weight, is sort of an on-going goal. We are signed up for our first 5k this June and we need to get our bodies conditioned to walk/run it. I haven’t done much in the way of starting to accomplish this goal, other than signing up for the 5k, which is a start. We’re eating healthy, making all of our own foods. We make wheat free bread and focaccia, make our egg bakes for the week so breakfast is ready, and also make our own granola and strawberry jam. We don’t eat anything processed and follow the Wheat Belly diet pretty strictly. Minus the Nutella. Ok, so I haven’t done “nothing,” but as far as working out and training for the 5k–Haven’t started that yet.

The second goal, blog, well. Clearly I’m working on that. I feel so much better after I’ve hashed things out on “paper.” It helps me relieve some of that stress.

Goal three: Take and pass the NCIDQ. This test is so difficult that most people fail it on the first try. It’s a two day test comprised of three sections. I signed up for one of the sections and that test is mid April. Again, I haven’t done anything in the way of studying for it, but I signed up. Guess I’m good at something… I’m 1% of the way there on both the 5K and the NCIDQ. The hard part is the follow-through on both fronts. I need to start studying ASAP. There are people who study for years and don’t pass.

The fourth goal… Helping The Corner… I’m trying to knit and crochet blankets and help them in anyway that I can. This gives me a sense of satisfaction that I can’t replicate with anything else. Knowing that my losses are helping others is a good feeling. It makes me feel like my losses happened for a reason. Sort of. It’s still complicated.

Another goal has been added, as well, but I’m trying to ignore it and treat it like it doesn’t exist:

5. Try to make a baby.

Why do I want to pretend that this goal doesn’t exist. Well, if I don’t put it down as a goal, I won’t be disappointed when if it doesn’t happen. Also, most people conceive when they aren’t “trying,” so I’m going to try not to think that I’m trying and try to conceive and pretend that I’m not agonizing over my menstrual cycle and my cervical mucus. It’s a trying situation. So, what all of this means is, yes, we are going to try this cycle and see what happens. Hopefully something will stick… but if it doesn’t, I’m going to try not to be upset.

I say that in jest. I’ve already had two mini heartaches today in regards to others being pregnant. I saw pictures of my sister-in-law on Facebook and she looks pregnant again. I sent my husband the pictures and said, “Does she look pregnant?” I thought maybe it was just weight gain from already having the six kids. He said yes, he thought she looked pregnant, too, and I asked him to find out from his mom. His mom said, no, she wasn’t pregnant (she asked her) and that it was in fact weight gain from the last few babies. I wasn’t ready for them to have another yet. They do want more children, apparently she’s not pregnant yet. Several hours later I logged back into Facebook and someone else is pregnant with their, “Baby XYZ coming October 1, 2014!–feeling excited!” It was the first post in my news feed. I immediately checked to see how far along is she… 9 weeks, 2 days. She’s newly pregnant… Probably already had her first ultrasound picture. Probably already has names picked out. Probably thinks she knows what she’s having. Her pregnancy will last.

Every day is a struggle. Every goal is always in the back of my mind. Obviously, there are other struggles of money and our jobs. I’m always thinking that we don’t know what others struggle with. Maybe they can get pregnant easily, but their marriage struggles greatly. We never know. I’m thankful that I have a great husband and a happy marriage. Would a baby complete that equation? Would I be happy then. I think I’ve put too much pressure on trying to become a mom. I need to be happy with the person who I have become without being a mom. Being a mom is what I want, but it’s not the end-all, be-all. I’m happy with my life regardless of whether or not we can become parents. It’s not a dream I’m willing to give up on, but I can be happy knowing that it’s still a potential future.

It’s the thought that counts when giving gifts, not the actual gift that’s important. If that’s true, is the thought and prospect of being a mother what counts… and not actually having the child? Is the dream better than the reality?

Somehow, I doubt it.

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