Days

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Warning: Pregnancy Rant Ahead

Second Warning: This contains lots of non structured nonsense in no particular order.

So, I’ve made it another day with no blood. So very thankful for that. Every single time I go to the bathroom I’m saying a prayer before I check and a prayer after saying thank you for one more bathroom visit without blood.

Tomorrow I’m getting my HcG levels checks. Praying those will be good. Praying the next time I get them checked they will have doubled like they should.

Because I’m curious and a masochist, I looked up the exact number of days that I was pregnant in the past:

Baby #1: 84 days pregnant (12 weeks). Had three ultrasounds.

Baby # 2: 50 days pregnant (7w1D). Started bleeding on day 51.

Baby # 3: 44 days pregnant (6w2d). Started bleeding on day 45.

Baby #4: Currently 36 days pregnant (5w1d). No bleeding. No HcG levels checked yet.

Obviously, I’m hoping to surpass each milestone on the previous babies. I’m feeling less stressed at the moment because I’ve never lost a baby at this point in the game. I feel like I have at least another week to enjoy being pregnant before I really start to freak out. So crazy how a day can matter… How quickly those days can add up–or subtract.

My HcG levels should be 6,880 tomorrow. The range could be anywhere from 4,420-10,810 according to this website: http://www.babymed.com/hcg-level-in-early-pregnancy

I’m going to be optimistic and believe the levels will be around 8,000, no, 9,000. The higher, the better… let’s be greedy on this.

_________

One thing I want to bitch and moan about is how we view people who are pregnant. I’ve read countless posts about women who are pissed off that so and so is pregnant. And they’re on welfare, on drugs, not educated, etc. (For the record, I was going to post this before I got pregnant…) I feel it’s so unfair that we look at people at think, “Why do THEY get to have a child and not me?” We have a house! A HOUSE! We have money! We’ve been married forever! And they are NOT married, they don’t have a house and they require government assistance. Do they screw the system? Sometimes. Does it seem like they may not be deserving to have children? From our point of view, maybe. I’ve seen people abuse and neglect their kids. I’ve seen first hand what can happen to someone who drinks/does drugs and the repercussions that causes.

How do we know what their struggle is? What if they’re really thinking, “Gosh, that married couple looks so happy. They have a nice house. He’s a doctor, she’s a teacher. They don’t have kids, but they have money, they can go on vacations, they can do whatever they want, whenever they want. They can go buy groceries!” What if they feel like they missed their childhood because they got pregnant at 16. What if they have five babies and will be a grandma before age 34. What are they thinking when they look at you? Gosh, you look pretty lucky in your nice house. Nice car. Maybe not fancy, but it’s nicer than what they have living in the poorest of poor houses. Maybe they wish they could have went to school. Maybe they look at government assistance as they only way they can take care of themselves because they felt they weren’t smart enough to go to school?

Maybe they are addicted to drugs and so desperately want to get out of that situation. Maybe they get beaten every night by their husband or boyfriend and they don’t feel they have anywhere to turn.

Maybe that baby they have is the only good thing they have. The only good thing they will ever have. And maybe they won’t realize that for 30 years. Maybe the baby is there to help them get off drugs. Maybe it’s a reality check. We don’t know. We will never know. But it’s unfair for us to judge.

Maybe it’s the family who seemingly has everything. Maybe they have 2.3 kids, a white picket fence and a dog. Maybe they seem happily married. Maybe he’s cheating on her. Maybe they’re bankrupt and have no savings. Maybe they have cancer. Maybe.

We can’t fairly say “why them” or “why not me.” Because we are going to drive ourselves crazy. Life isn’t fair. We can’t pretend to know or understand what everyone is going through. We can’t fairly judge them, nor should we.

In the same breath, before I knew I was pregnant, I was thinking, “Why not me…?” EVERYONE on Facebook is pregnant. Everyone is due in October. I was ready to give up Facebook and blogging. Coming on here and reading everyone’s story was depressing the hell out of me. This whole process makes us absolutely crazy. (See above for case and point… what normal person counts their pregnancy out by days). I was so done with listening to everyone bitch and moan about how unfair life is. It’s so depressing–There’s never any good news. And I contribute to that!

But then there is some good news. I’m pregnant. And someone is reading this thinking, “Why her. Why not me?” Truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know you. But I feel like I’m in no man’s land because I don’t fit in with a “normal” pregnant woman and now I don’t fit into the infertility “group” anymore because I’m pregnant. It’s frustrating thinking that I made someone else say, “Why her and not me?” Because I’ve been there. I know how it feels. I know how much it hurts. We expect to come on here and read about infertility. We expect to come on and see someone is on CD 5 and they’re doing everything in their power to get pregnant, but when it happens, do we get ostracized? Why not you?

I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll make it to pregnancy day 45, 51 or 279. I hope so.

But maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be right back here thinking, “Why me? Why do they get the baby?” I just have to believe that there is a plan in place. Maybe if I miscarry it’s because I would die during childbirth. Who knows?

We really should stop comparing ourselves to everyone else. We should be grateful for what we have. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow because I have to do the same thing every day. We just have to remember that they are probably wanting what you have. They probably want your “perfect” life just as much as you want their babies.

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