Yesterday I found out my HcG levels doubled! On Monday they were 430 and on Wednesday on 1,066! This was fantastic news. I was/am super [cautiously] excited. My progesterone was still hovering around 16 (should be between 12-84), but I did double my dosage, so I’m hoping the next draw they will be higher. This is the highest my HcG has been out of the last three pregnancies (not including my first one when I made it to 12 weeks).
The levels are not where I should be if you go back to my last period. According to these HcG levels I’m at day 34. I thought I was on day 41 (according to my period.) I’m almost a week off, which is fine, I just want to get past day 45 and 51 (see previous post). I thought tomorrow I would be at six weeks and instead I’ll be five weeks on Sunday. I’ll have my blood levels checked again on Monday (day 37) and get the results on Tuesday. My HcG needs to be around 6,880, which is where I thought I should have been at for my first blood drawing. Confusing, I know. I guess it’s possible that I ovulated a week later than what I thought (CD22? weird), but I’ll take it.
I gotta admit, this has been such a roller coaster. My hormones are all over the place. I’m not hungry at all; not craving any foods. My stomach is the continued splotchy mess and my vagina feels like Niagara Falls. My breasts are so tender and I have no energy. Please understand that I’m NOT complaining, it’s just amazing what I’m putting my body through for a baby. (We’ve all been there.) When I took the first two pregnancy tests, I was devastated that they weren’t positive. Then I got the positive, and I wasn’t expecting it–I was hysterical. Here we go again. Oh my God, I can’t lose another baby. No! This has totally taken me in so many different directions.
Going through this process has got to be a lot like giving birth. What I mean is, so many women say labor is a traumatic, gross experience; some say they would never do it again. But then you get the itch to have another baby, get pregnant, and you’re reminded once again how horrible the experience of labor was. It’s temporary amnesia. We go through the same process… We try for so long to get pregnant, get pregnant and freak out because we know what can happen. We have a miscarriage, mourn the loss, grieve, and then we are ready to try again. Being in the place I am right now, I’m highly/intensely reminded of how this experience feels. I wanted this baby more than life itself and now that I’m here, it’s like, wow, did I wish for this? Why didn’t I remember how totally out of control I feel when I’m pregnant? Why didn’t I remember what it’s like to feel so happy and so terrified in the same minute? Why didn’t I remember that every bathroom trip was going to be a traumatic event? What if I lost this baby? What then? Why did I do this to myself?
Because the end result is worth it. Because journey is just as important as the destination. Day by day, I’ll get through this, however it turns out. Right now, Baby Poult and I are good. We’re together, we’re growing, one of us physically and the other mentally,emotionally and spiritually. I wouldn’t change a second of this crazy ride.