Monthly Archives: May 2014

Miscarriage vs. Abortion

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Please read the article attached to this blog.

Operation: Miracle

I came across this article on Facebook and thought I’d share it here. I’ve never had a miscarriage or an abortion so I can’t say I understand exactly the feelings of loss.

I do, however, understand the feelings of loss about never having biological children with my husband. And the loss of dreams about those babies. And the loss of dreams about unplanned or accidental pregnancies or even just trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way.

Here’s the link to the article:
http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/05/13/how-abortion-has-changed-the-discussion-of-miscarriage/

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Return to Zero – Breaking the Silence

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A Mourning Mom

Return to Zero premiers May 17th (tomorrow) on Lifetime at 8 pm/7pm central.   This is the first movie made about the stillbirth of a child.   The mission of the film is to break the silence surrounding stillbirth, miscarriage and neonatal death.

“The impact that one stillbirth has on the mother, the father, their family, and friends is devastating — a shock-wave of pain, guilt and then, too often, silence. The majority of those affected, especially the mothers, suffer in this silence often believing that their grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.

While planning to entertain and enlighten all audiences with a dramatic tale of the strength and resilience of the human spirit, RETURN TO ZERO intends to break through the silence and become a beacon of cinematic light to the millions in search of answers, understanding and healing.”

Unlike the new show Resurrection, I know that I…

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How to have the longest miscarriage in the history of miscarriages.

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Here’s a rundown of how you accomplish this feat, should you so choose.

April 8th: Heartbeat

April 17th: No heartbeat, “You will miscarry…”

April 26th: Very mild spotting, dark brown.

April 27th: Start hemorrhaging, go to ER, pass tons of clots and “products of conception”–ultrasound shows only a few blood clots, “you’re fine to pass those on your own at home.”

April 27th-May 9th: Bleeding. Lots at first, then on and off alternating between bright red and brown. New and old.

May 4th: Hcg still at 440. Dr., “We need to do another ultrasound to confirm there are ‘no products of conception.'”

May 7th: Ultrasound. Nurse says nothing. I think everything looks good. (I’m such an expert).

May 8th: Nurse, “The doctor says there’s still something on the upper right side of your uterus and your lining is still thick. It could be products of conception or it’s your septum. She’s not sure. We’re going to still monitor your Hcg and follow it all the way down. If you start bleeding more than a pad an hour or passing clots, go to the ER.” FYI, the baby was on the upper right side of my uterus.

May 8th (after recovering from what the nurse just told me): Me, frantically trying to call the doctor back to find out, 1. How big this “product” is 2. If she feels it should wait or if we can do a D&C now (why wait until I’m hemorrhaging again?) 3. If I can have sex (great stress reliever) 4. If they ever got the results back from the “product” in the hospital.

May 8th (after my patience has completely gone): No phone call back. No answers. Waiting for something to happen or to not happen.

May 9th: More panic attacks. Doctor is conveniently not in the office on Friday’s.

May 10th (I’m fucking psychic now): Struggle through the day wondering when/if something is going to fly out of my uterus, Alien style.

May 11th: Drink. A lot. Don’t buy a gun.

What Makes A Mother?

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Wow. I cried.. Thanks for posting

My Name Is Kate

This lovely poem was shared with me by Diana, author of Trying To Make Things Right.

What makes a mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother? And I know I heard him say.
A mother has a baby this we know is true.
But God can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day,
and some I send to feel your womb but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this God I want my baby to be here.
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show…

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Baby withdrawls

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Things that have happened since losing the baby:

-No more sore boobs

-No more sore stomach from Heparin

-No more progesterone=dry sore vagina

-No more shiny curly hair

-No more long, strong nails

-The urge to drink, smoke and eat sushi until I’m sick. (Self medicate)

-The overwhelming urge to cry at any given moment.

-Panic attacks. Feeling like I’m having a heart attack every five minutes. (Hypochondria)

-Insomnia

-Being asked at least six times, “So, is your husband going to leave you since you can’t have a baby?”

-The inability to relax. The thought of trying to relax stresses me out.

-The inability to believe that I just went through this. Again.

-Overwhelming sadness. It’s untouchable.

-Wanting to make lists for everything. (OCD)

-No more talk of the future baby. Everything has been put away. It’s like it never happened.
The next step:

We’re seeing a specialist in Chicago in June. It’s a last ditch effort. We’re going to have the septum resection surgery one more time. Now when/if I get pregnant again, I will be over 35 when I deliver. We have decided to try one more time and then we’re done. Physically and mentally, I can’t handle another miscarriage. I’ve got one last hooray in me, and that’s it.

Unleasing the Uterus

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There’s no way of predicting how a miscarriage will turn out. Once you have decided that you’re going for the “natural” approach as opposed to having a D&C, you assume it’s going to be, well, natural. No medical intervention, just you and a whole lot of blood. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to go…

On April 13th we should have had a one year old birthday party for our second baby. On April 17th we had no heartbeat with our fourth baby. April 19th was my birthday. April 26th I started having very, very mild brown discharge. Very minimal, no big deal. I thought, “Well, this is going to take a long time…” I had very minimal cramping and expected to start a period-like miscarriage shortly.

My last two miscarriages (miscarriage two and three) were fairly easy–as easy as a miscarriage can be anyway. I had a heavy period-like miscarriage… One lasted seven days, the other lasted nine days. I assumed that was how this one would go.

April 26th (Saturday) was the brown discharge. April 27th (Sunday), I still had the brown discharge all day. Man, this is going to take forever!

Sunday night around 6:00 I told my husband I was starting to have cramps. “I think I’m finally going to start bleeding.” I took some Tylenol and was watching tv as my husband cooked dinner. The cramps got increasingly worse and at 7:30 I asked him to please get my heating pad. I could tell I had started bleeding, but I didn’t go to the bathroom yet (I already had a pad on). We had dinner and at 8:00 I went to the bathroom. The bleeding went from the brown discharge to bright red blood… A lot of blood. I felt something slip out of me, about the size of a golf ball, which made a splash when it hit the water. I went back to the living room and felt so awful. The cramping was getting worse. Ten minutes I went to the bathroom again… Passed something even bigger… I’m guessing the size of a plum… Both masses went straight to the bottom of the toilet. The amount of blood scared me and my pad was soaked within a matter of minutes. I came back into the living room crying and told my husband we needed to go to the ER, immediately. We were in the ER within 20 minutes. I wasn’t having cramps, I was having contractions. They were five minutes apart and I had pressure in my rectum. I felt an incredible urge to push. When we got to the ER they immediately put us in a room, but we had to wait forty minutes to be seen by the doctor… I was having contractions the entire time, bleeding everywhere.

My mom was there with us… She and my husband were counting out my contractions… They went from five minutes apart to three minutes apart lasting about a minute and a half. Finally, I was seen by the ER doctor. He gave me dilaudid, a personal favorite; I highly recommend it. He also did an exam and got no where because there was so much blood and too many blood clots. He couldn’t see my cervix. He immediately called the OB on call. I asked if I could use the bathroom… I had to go pee. The floor was covered in blood from the exam… my pants and flip flops were covered from when I changed into my gown. I shuffled to the bathroom with a giant pad between my legs. I passed probably 20-30 blood clots into one of their “hats” in the bathroom… It looked like someone had been murdered when I was done and I apologized to the nurse several times. I asked if their was any tissue in the clots so that it could be genetically tested. The nurse said there wasn’t any tissue, that they were just blood clots. Fantastic.

Once the on-call OB came down, she wanted to do another exam. More blood… but she could finally see my cervix. I was dilated about the size of a finger tip. What is that, a centimeter? “I think it’s safe to say you’re in the beginning stages of this miscarriage.” Hello Dr. Obvious. Thanks for the update. “Did your doctor talk to you about what happens during a miscarriage?” Yeah, we got the memo on that, too. Dr. Obvious wanted to admit me in the hospital because of the amount of blood I was losing. She wasn’t sure if we needed to do a D&C because my body was doing the work for me. She offered to put Cytotec into my vagina to help soften my cervix and help make the contractions stronger. “It will help speed up the process.” I was unsure about having stronger contractions, but I was also sure I could handle it with my best friend, dilaudid, near-by. I was also sure I wanted this over as soon as possible.

I was admitted into the hospital and got into my room around midnight. My mom went home and my husband stayed with me. After gettting settled into the room, Dr. Obvious came in the room to exam me again and insert the Cytotec. “You’re dilated more than you were downstairs.” Then she told me there was too much blood to put the Cytotec into my vagina… It would have to go in my rectum. I actually said, “This just keeps getting better and better…”

Once the Cytotec was inserted, the lights were turned down low we just waited for everything to happen. My husband and I both fell in and out of consciousness. I had more dilaudid every two hours. The nurse came in at 2:00 and at 4:00. I was bleeding the entire time but nothing passed. When I closed my eyes, I could literally feel my uterus contracting. Every few minutes (contractions?) would jolt me awake and startle me. I didn’t feel any pain except for little earthquakes in my abdomen. When the new nurse came in at 4 in the morning, she came over to my bed and pushed hard on my stomach… I asked her to please stop and she said, “It’s necessary.” Uh. Fuck you. I told her that I needed to go to the bathroom and that I wanted a “hat” to use so that I could collect any tissue. She said, “Dr. Obvious said that you passed everything when you were in the ER. You’re just bleeding now.” Uh, no. I’m not. Get me a fucking hat,is what I’m thinking. Finally after trying to convince her of this I went to the bathroom and passed a huge clot. Like, larger than my fist. I told the nurse I wanted it saved to be tested. It stayed in the room with us until we left. I wish they would would have sent it in immediately, or sent it to be frozen. I tried to be an advocate to get someone to take it, but no one did until we left the hospital. I couldn’t tell if it was just a huge blood clot of if it was the baby. I didn’t have the strength to dissect it.

We left the hospital around 2:00 pm that day… An ultrasound confirmed that no “product of conception” remained. I continued to bleed all week (and I’m still bleeding). It’s been 8 days since the bloody onset. I had my blood drawn last night at an immediate care clinic. I found out today my HcG is still sitting at around 440. My doctor wants me to have another ultrasound on Wednesday to confirm that everything is gone. She’s concerned that I may have to have a D&C… after everything I’ve already been through. I hope that that’s not the case.

Wednesday morning I have the ultrasound at 8:00 and then I’m meeting Hilary from “The Corner” at 1:00 for coffee. I’m looking for some comfort and guidance from her. That’s what she does best–help people like me.