I keep finding it incredibly difficult to write anything here. The days are fluid and run seamlessly into each other. To boot, I’m feeling fantastically dramatic.
Updates? Ok. This Thursday will be my post op ultrasound appointment to see how well the septum resection went. We’re hoping for a uterine septum under 6 mm. Here’s hoping! Another medical funzie decided to enter my life as well… I have been having heart palpitations regularly. After wearing a heart monitor and a trip to the ER, my doctor said that I have PVC’s (premature ventricular contractions), which apparently are totally normal and need no treatment. However, during that field trip to the ER, we learned my D-Dimer is elevated, which means my blood is super thick and there could be a potential blood clot somewhere. After some research, there is a correlation in an elevated D-Dimer with an MTHFR factor. Without going into gobs of details, having an MTHFR factor can cause your D-Dimer to be elevated. There’s also a lot of medical mumbo jumbo that specifically says if you have an MTHFR factor and an elevated D-Dimer, your chance of miscarriage is over 99%. Fantastic.
Sooooooo… where do we go from here? The million dollar question. I’ve had one period since the surgery and have to have two more periods before trying to conceive again. So, we’re looking at trying to conceive in the beginning of November. With the new news of the elevated D-Dimer and the MTHFR, I have to talk to both my gyno and my RE and see what they propose we do. According to what I’ve read, even being on blood thinners isn’t going to help–Still a very slim chance of carrying a baby to term. Typically, with my blood cocktail, babies doesn’t survive past 8 weeks–according to both the fantastic world of google and my previous pregnancy history.
Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, I’m not in a good head space. I read the blogs, I hit the “like” button, I go through the motions of trying to heal myself… and I’m not succeeding. I worry about the future. I worry about the next pregnancy. If I’m being honest, I’m actually dreading the next pregnancy. With four pregnancies and no babies “behind” me, I don’t know if I’m ready to change my number to “five.” Isn’t there a point where you should stop? If I were someone who never had a loss, and I was looking at a couple who had gone through multiple losses, I would think to myself, “My God, why do you keep doing that do yourself??” I would think, “It must not be meant to be. They just aren’t going to have children.” All of that seems realistic and logical and I feel like I’m way past being logical. If there’s a less than 1% chance of having a child, do you continue to try? That’s not even close to a good number. Do you hold onto that hope? Or do you try to grasp a reality that closes the door on diapers and open the door to a childless life? Isn’t insanity doing the same thing over and and over again expecting a different result? Yeah. We’re there. Insanity.
I’m mentally exhausted. If I’m being honest, I hate this “club” we’re all in. I hate how this consumes my life. I hate nodding along to the blogs I read and thinking, “Yep, yep, yep” to all the blogs on miscarriage, D&C’s, and pregnancy loss. I hate it. But it’s all I think about. I see babies and pregnant women and rainbows everywhere. This is my reality. Is it always going to suck this much? Am I going to dread every Halloween when I don’t have a child to dress up and take Trick or Treating? Am I going to dread the toy aisles in the stores at Christmas? Am I going to dread not being able to have a child to read The Night Before Christmas to and leave cookies out for Santa? Am I going to dread not having a child to take to church on Easter Sunday and hide eggs and an Easter basket? No Valentine’s Day boxes to make… no cookies to take on their birthdays. No back-to-school shopping. No sleep overs. I guess this is what you make of it. It’s my fault that I’m making this all-consuming. It’s my fault I’m not “moving on.” It’s my fault that I torment myself over silly things that people who are parents may take for granted.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. It’s been a long time coming. I can pretend to be fine in “real life”… but here, I’m not going to pretend to be fantastic, because this blows.