Positively Negative!

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I keep finding it incredibly difficult to write anything here. The days are fluid and run seamlessly into each other. To boot, I’m feeling fantastically dramatic.

Updates? Ok. This Thursday will be my post op ultrasound appointment to see how well the septum resection went. We’re hoping for a uterine septum under 6 mm. Here’s hoping! Another medical funzie decided to enter my life as well… I have been having heart palpitations regularly. After wearing a heart monitor and a trip to the ER, my doctor said that I have PVC’s (premature ventricular contractions), which apparently are totally normal and need no treatment. However, during that field trip to the ER, we learned my D-Dimer is elevated, which means my blood is super thick and there could be a potential blood clot somewhere. After some research, there is a correlation in an elevated D-Dimer with an MTHFR factor. Without going into gobs of details, having an MTHFR factor can cause your D-Dimer to be elevated. There’s also a lot of medical mumbo jumbo that specifically says if you have an MTHFR factor and an elevated D-Dimer, your chance of miscarriage is over 99%. Fantastic.

Sooooooo… where do we go from here? The million dollar question. I’ve had one period since the surgery and have to have two more periods before trying to conceive again. So, we’re looking at trying to conceive in the beginning of November. With the new news of the elevated D-Dimer and the MTHFR, I have to talk to both my gyno and my RE and see what they propose we do. According to what I’ve read, even being on blood thinners isn’t going to help–Still a very slim chance of carrying a baby to term. Typically, with my blood cocktail, babies doesn’t survive past 8 weeks–according to both the fantastic world of google and my previous pregnancy history.

Physically, I’m fine. Mentally, I’m not in a good head space. I read the blogs, I hit the “like” button, I go through the motions of trying to heal myself… and I’m not succeeding. I worry about the future. I worry about the next pregnancy. If I’m being honest, I’m actually dreading the next pregnancy. With four pregnancies and no babies “behind” me, I don’t know if I’m ready to change my number to “five.” Isn’t there a point where you should stop? If I were someone who never had a loss, and I was looking at a couple who had gone through multiple losses, I would think to myself, “My God, why do you keep doing that do yourself??” I would think, “It must not be meant to be. They just aren’t going to have children.” All of that seems realistic and logical and I feel like I’m way past being logical. If there’s a less than 1% chance of having a child, do you continue to try? That’s not even close to a good number. Do you hold onto that hope? Or do you try to grasp a reality that closes the door on diapers and open the door to a childless life? Isn’t insanity doing the same thing over and and over again expecting a different result? Yeah. We’re there. Insanity.

I’m mentally exhausted. If I’m being honest, I hate this “club” we’re all in. I hate how this consumes my life. I hate nodding along to the blogs I read and thinking, “Yep, yep, yep” to all the blogs on miscarriage, D&C’s, and pregnancy loss. I hate it. But it’s all I think about. I see babies and pregnant women and rainbows everywhere. This is my reality. Is it always going to suck this much? Am I going to dread every Halloween when I don’t have a child to dress up and take Trick or Treating? Am I going to dread the toy aisles in the stores at Christmas? Am I going to dread not being able to have a child to read The Night Before Christmas to and leave cookies out for Santa? Am I going to dread not having a child to take to church on Easter Sunday and hide eggs and an Easter basket? No Valentine’s Day boxes to make… no cookies to take on their birthdays. No back-to-school shopping. No sleep overs. I guess this is what you make of it. It’s my fault that I’m making this all-consuming. It’s my fault I’m not “moving on.” It’s my fault that I torment myself over silly things that people who are parents may take for granted.

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. It’s been a long time coming. I can pretend to be fine in “real life”… but here, I’m not going to pretend to be fantastic, because this blows.

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12 responses »

  1. First, I am so sorry about the crushing stat of 99% chance of miscarriage. I definitely recommend talking with your OBGYN and RE to get there opinion and possible options like IVF with a surrogate (I’m not sure if that will make a difference, I know for us because we have unexplained RPL the doctors don’t believe it will help). Our doctors have given us a 50% change of our next pregnancy ending with miscarriage, we are trying one more time (I have no idea what we will do if the next one fails – we are only looking as far as the next one). But i also know my husband and I have both said if only they could tell us we had a 90% chance of miscarriage – then we’d just stop. But, honestly, I don’t know if we would. I just don’t know.
    Stopping means abandoning our hopes and dreams, and honestly, I don’t know how to give up on the dream of having children. So, at least for right now, I think the reason we are willing to keep trying is that we aren’t willing to let the dream go.
    Second, I too hate this club – its freaking ridiculous to keep putting ourselves through miscarriages. I often feel like some sort of idiot ramming my head into a wall over and over again and hoping for a different result In any other circumstance I would have walked away by now, but for some reason when it comes to the pursuit of a child, here we are trying again.
    I’m not sure that this helps you at all, but I guess more then anything, although our circumstances are different I hope you know that you are not alone in this struggle and this hurt.

    • Thank you. I appreciate all your comments and all your blogs. I actually read your last post before writing mine. And I agreed with everything. I wish I had that list in hand before my first miscarriage. It’s so heartbreaking. And as far as surrogate, I suppose that could be an option, but part of me is just done. And there’s the cost… My best friend offered to be a surrogate in a few years (when she’s done having kids), but with cost between $80,000 and $120,000, that’s just not something we can do. And you’re right, abandoning all hopes and dreams is a hard thing. My husband and I talked about getting him a vasectomy and I just cried thinking/knowing that he would never have a little “him” running around. Your comment does help. It helps knowing there’s someone out there who knows what this feels like. Thanks for all your posts!

      • I get that part of you is just done – some days I think I am too. I really don’t think we’d turn to a surrogate even if it were an option, but I thought I’d throw it out there just in case you hadn’t thought about it – although I was pretty sure you would have.
        My husband and i have also talked about a vasectomy. The reality is, when we are done trying, with or without a child, we will need the world’s best birth control, so this will likely be what happens (combined with probably the marina IUD). This has been really hard to even discuss, because it really is about the end of hope, but we know it may be our reality. But, I still have no idea how we make that transition or when we decide enough is enough. Part of me wishes there was a life manual for shitty times like this.
        Oh, and thank you for your kind words. You are such an inspiration and I too look forward to all of your posts.

      • Yeah… all scenarios are difficult… Keep going, quit, surrogacy, vasectomy, adoption… There’s no easy answer. I hope you’re having a good day!

  2. I am so sorry you are hurting like this. IF is so so hard, and I’m sure that getting bad news only adds insult to injury. I wish I had easy answers – there are none in this game. But my heart goes out to you in a huge way, and I am praying for your healing. God can do anything. Much love and prayers. xoxo

    • Thank you for your comment… It helps knowing someone else is going through this. Your story brings me hope and I know that I have to trust, it’s just so hard to do. I’m happy you’re measuring ahead and your last post gave me goosebumps. It’s people like you that help keep me going 🙂

  3. Terrible news. Sorry to hear it. But I’m glad you have an outlet on here. It’s so important to be honest with yourself sometimes. And have the support of a community, even if it is online.

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