Moving forward into new territory is scary. And I’ve been paralyzed by fear for far too long. Years too long. I’ve been afraid of what you will think of me. What they will think of me. What they will say. Thanks to many, many self-help books, people who I follow on Instagram, Podcasts, and friends who have told me to move forward, I’m moving forward. I’m not going to be scared and afraid of what might happen. What if someone makes fun of me, steals my content, corrects my punctuation, questions my integrity, tries to pick a fight with me or re-posts one of my pictures as a meme saying the most horrendous thing I can think of. What if they do? What if they do.
When you’re paralyzed by fear, it can literally keep you in the same place for years and you keep living the same day over and over again on repeat, wishing you could accomplish your dreams. Your goals sit in a pretty little box on a shelf in the back of your mind, just waiting for you to open them and let them live. I’m dusting off my dreams; it’s time to let them live.
If you look past this post into my previous posts, you’ll find a lot of heartache and loss. This blog was originally intended to be about weight-loss and it morphed into a website about miscarriage and baby-loss. Due to the fact that I no longer have a uterus, I no longer feel the need to focus on miscarriage and baby-loss and want to focus on trauma, fear, shame, guilt–all those fun things Brene Brown teaches us about.
I’ve had this blog since 2013 and I’ve kept it my little secret corner of the world, protecting it like it was a bear cub. And in a way, it was my baby. It was an outlet for me to let the stories of my babies live through. I didn’t want it to be exposed and I didn’t want people who I knew me to see this side of me. I didn’t want to be judged. However, I realized something can be learned and taught by sharing my story. It is a part of me and I don’t have to be scared or ashamed of it. I can use it to help others in a way I don’t even understand yet. I don’t have a ceiling for this dream, I don’t have a limit or goal to how many I want to reach and impact, I just want my truth to be heard. My babies will live on through my story. I have a message of weight-loss, baby-loss, shame, guilt and being an empath, a fawner, and an HSP (highly sensitive person). I want to go into details about these attributes and be able to point people in the direction of a book, podcast or website that might help them, like it did me. There are amazing resources out there.
My weight-loss journey has been a life long process (truly) and I finally realized it’s not about losing weight, working out and trying to control food. It comes from within. It comes from accepting myself for who I am and loving myself regardless of my bad choices and decisions I’ve made. People may say things that trigger the shame and trauma; I no longer have to identify with it and attach myself to that shame and trauma. I no longer have to hold that. If this blog can help one person get past their shame, guilt and trauma and help them move past it, simply by posting my story and speaking my truth, I’ve reached my goal.