Category Archives: Miscarriage

Baby withdrawls

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Things that have happened since losing the baby:

-No more sore boobs

-No more sore stomach from Heparin

-No more progesterone=dry sore vagina

-No more shiny curly hair

-No more long, strong nails

-The urge to drink, smoke and eat sushi until I’m sick. (Self medicate)

-The overwhelming urge to cry at any given moment.

-Panic attacks. Feeling like I’m having a heart attack every five minutes. (Hypochondria)

-Insomnia

-Being asked at least six times, “So, is your husband going to leave you since you can’t have a baby?”

-The inability to relax. The thought of trying to relax stresses me out.

-The inability to believe that I just went through this. Again.

-Overwhelming sadness. It’s untouchable.

-Wanting to make lists for everything. (OCD)

-No more talk of the future baby. Everything has been put away. It’s like it never happened.
The next step:

We’re seeing a specialist in Chicago in June. It’s a last ditch effort. We’re going to have the septum resection surgery one more time. Now when/if I get pregnant again, I will be over 35 when I deliver. We have decided to try one more time and then we’re done. Physically and mentally, I can’t handle another miscarriage. I’ve got one last hooray in me, and that’s it.

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Unleasing the Uterus

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There’s no way of predicting how a miscarriage will turn out. Once you have decided that you’re going for the “natural” approach as opposed to having a D&C, you assume it’s going to be, well, natural. No medical intervention, just you and a whole lot of blood. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to go…

On April 13th we should have had a one year old birthday party for our second baby. On April 17th we had no heartbeat with our fourth baby. April 19th was my birthday. April 26th I started having very, very mild brown discharge. Very minimal, no big deal. I thought, “Well, this is going to take a long time…” I had very minimal cramping and expected to start a period-like miscarriage shortly.

My last two miscarriages (miscarriage two and three) were fairly easy–as easy as a miscarriage can be anyway. I had a heavy period-like miscarriage… One lasted seven days, the other lasted nine days. I assumed that was how this one would go.

April 26th (Saturday) was the brown discharge. April 27th (Sunday), I still had the brown discharge all day. Man, this is going to take forever!

Sunday night around 6:00 I told my husband I was starting to have cramps. “I think I’m finally going to start bleeding.” I took some Tylenol and was watching tv as my husband cooked dinner. The cramps got increasingly worse and at 7:30 I asked him to please get my heating pad. I could tell I had started bleeding, but I didn’t go to the bathroom yet (I already had a pad on). We had dinner and at 8:00 I went to the bathroom. The bleeding went from the brown discharge to bright red blood… A lot of blood. I felt something slip out of me, about the size of a golf ball, which made a splash when it hit the water. I went back to the living room and felt so awful. The cramping was getting worse. Ten minutes I went to the bathroom again… Passed something even bigger… I’m guessing the size of a plum… Both masses went straight to the bottom of the toilet. The amount of blood scared me and my pad was soaked within a matter of minutes. I came back into the living room crying and told my husband we needed to go to the ER, immediately. We were in the ER within 20 minutes. I wasn’t having cramps, I was having contractions. They were five minutes apart and I had pressure in my rectum. I felt an incredible urge to push. When we got to the ER they immediately put us in a room, but we had to wait forty minutes to be seen by the doctor… I was having contractions the entire time, bleeding everywhere.

My mom was there with us… She and my husband were counting out my contractions… They went from five minutes apart to three minutes apart lasting about a minute and a half. Finally, I was seen by the ER doctor. He gave me dilaudid, a personal favorite; I highly recommend it. He also did an exam and got no where because there was so much blood and too many blood clots. He couldn’t see my cervix. He immediately called the OB on call. I asked if I could use the bathroom… I had to go pee. The floor was covered in blood from the exam… my pants and flip flops were covered from when I changed into my gown. I shuffled to the bathroom with a giant pad between my legs. I passed probably 20-30 blood clots into one of their “hats” in the bathroom… It looked like someone had been murdered when I was done and I apologized to the nurse several times. I asked if their was any tissue in the clots so that it could be genetically tested. The nurse said there wasn’t any tissue, that they were just blood clots. Fantastic.

Once the on-call OB came down, she wanted to do another exam. More blood… but she could finally see my cervix. I was dilated about the size of a finger tip. What is that, a centimeter? “I think it’s safe to say you’re in the beginning stages of this miscarriage.” Hello Dr. Obvious. Thanks for the update. “Did your doctor talk to you about what happens during a miscarriage?” Yeah, we got the memo on that, too. Dr. Obvious wanted to admit me in the hospital because of the amount of blood I was losing. She wasn’t sure if we needed to do a D&C because my body was doing the work for me. She offered to put Cytotec into my vagina to help soften my cervix and help make the contractions stronger. “It will help speed up the process.” I was unsure about having stronger contractions, but I was also sure I could handle it with my best friend, dilaudid, near-by. I was also sure I wanted this over as soon as possible.

I was admitted into the hospital and got into my room around midnight. My mom went home and my husband stayed with me. After gettting settled into the room, Dr. Obvious came in the room to exam me again and insert the Cytotec. “You’re dilated more than you were downstairs.” Then she told me there was too much blood to put the Cytotec into my vagina… It would have to go in my rectum. I actually said, “This just keeps getting better and better…”

Once the Cytotec was inserted, the lights were turned down low we just waited for everything to happen. My husband and I both fell in and out of consciousness. I had more dilaudid every two hours. The nurse came in at 2:00 and at 4:00. I was bleeding the entire time but nothing passed. When I closed my eyes, I could literally feel my uterus contracting. Every few minutes (contractions?) would jolt me awake and startle me. I didn’t feel any pain except for little earthquakes in my abdomen. When the new nurse came in at 4 in the morning, she came over to my bed and pushed hard on my stomach… I asked her to please stop and she said, “It’s necessary.” Uh. Fuck you. I told her that I needed to go to the bathroom and that I wanted a “hat” to use so that I could collect any tissue. She said, “Dr. Obvious said that you passed everything when you were in the ER. You’re just bleeding now.” Uh, no. I’m not. Get me a fucking hat,is what I’m thinking. Finally after trying to convince her of this I went to the bathroom and passed a huge clot. Like, larger than my fist. I told the nurse I wanted it saved to be tested. It stayed in the room with us until we left. I wish they would would have sent it in immediately, or sent it to be frozen. I tried to be an advocate to get someone to take it, but no one did until we left the hospital. I couldn’t tell if it was just a huge blood clot of if it was the baby. I didn’t have the strength to dissect it.

We left the hospital around 2:00 pm that day… An ultrasound confirmed that no “product of conception” remained. I continued to bleed all week (and I’m still bleeding). It’s been 8 days since the bloody onset. I had my blood drawn last night at an immediate care clinic. I found out today my HcG is still sitting at around 440. My doctor wants me to have another ultrasound on Wednesday to confirm that everything is gone. She’s concerned that I may have to have a D&C… after everything I’ve already been through. I hope that that’s not the case.

Wednesday morning I have the ultrasound at 8:00 and then I’m meeting Hilary from “The Corner” at 1:00 for coffee. I’m looking for some comfort and guidance from her. That’s what she does best–help people like me.

Bye, bye Birdie.

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Yesterday we had our second “viability” ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The baby had not grown from 6 weeks, 4 days, in fact, it got smaller to 6 weeks and 1 or 2 days.

I stopped all meds… No more heparin, no more progesterone. We’re assuming the septum is the cause of the demise, but no one can really say for sure. Little Poult didn’t even have a fighting chance.

Of course I was given the option of letting it pass naturally or having a D&C. The only reason for doing a D&C is so they can “test the product.” For now, I’m choosing things to happen on their own time. I haven’t started bleeding yet, but based on the way I feel, I’m sure it’s coming soon.

As I type this, I’m at a loss for words. There’s so much to say and yet, nothing at all. Upset and devastated just aren’t strong enough. Where do we go from here? Talk of another septum resection surgery… freezing my eggs until we have a surrogate… getting a vasectomy…

How did I even get here?

When did I become someone who couldn’t give my husband the most basic, primal thing? When did I stop wanting to try again? What the hell is this feeling? Is this postpartum? How did I climb out of this hole three times before? How did I become an unpregnant pregnant woman? How did I become a mother to no one? Why are there no answers? How the fuck did I become someone who has another dead baby inside of them?

Tomorrow’s my 34th birthday. When my best friend and I were talking on Tuesday, she asked how I was going to spend my birthday. I told her, “I just want to spend the day pregnant.” I should have amended that and said that I wanted to spend the day pregnant with a live baby. Stupid me.

I don’t know where I go from here… I am going off of Facebook. I can’t handle another ultrasound/pregnant belly/first birthday/here’s my sick kid/Easter picture. I don’t want to work because some pregnant woman might come in. I might have to help yet another mom figure out the perfect shade of baby blue for the nursery. I might have to design a nursery or a kids room. I don’t want to read blogs anymore. I can’t hear about dead babies and potential pregnancies anymore. We try, and try, and for what? This? This, my friends, is shit.

I’m just going to have to do what I can do. Cry, sleep and wait.

 

 

Pregnant Woman Jealous of Pregnant Women

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So much has happened in this past week… I’ll try to recap briefly…

– Last Tuesday (4-8-14), a week ago, we had our first ultrasound. We saw a heartbeat! A sweet, little blip and a heartbeat! The baby was on the upper right side of my uterus and there was no way of knowing if it attached to my septum (fatal) or if it was attached to the side of the uterus. The heartbeat was not as fast as my doctor would have liked, but the ultrasound technician said that she believed the heart just started beating 8-12 hours before. My progesterone wasn’t going up the way my ob would have liked, so we switched from 300mg of progesterone to 600mg. I now am taking one pill twice daily and one suppository twice daily–MUCH more comfortable.

– On 4-9-14 my ob’s nurse called me and told me my HcG levels… This would have been from the blood draw on the 8th. They were 19,075. She said they weren’t doubling like my doctor wanted and that I would miscarry. Not might. Not maybe. Would. I was a little stunned, only because my husband and I were shooting for 19,000 because of what we have read online. Your levels don’t double after they get above 6,000. They start doubling every 96+ hours. Color me confused. I told her this, and she said, “No… I’m sorry. They aren’t doubling.” What. The. Hell. So I called my reproductive endocrinologist and spoke with the nurse. She said, “I don’t know whey they’re checking your levels every 48 hours… After we have a heartbeat and your levels are above 6,000, we stop checking the levels because they don’t matter.” I was heart broken. I didn’t know what to think of believe. After talking to my husband, we decided to disregard what my ob said and carry on as normal. P.S. The ob told me to stay on all meds… including heparin. If she really believed I was going to miscarry, why stay on heparin? P.P.S My best friend had her baby. Yeah!

– On 4-10-14 I had my levels drawn again and my ob’s office called me on the 11th. HcG was at 24,416… The number was what my husband and I were looking for. The nurse said, “Your numbers are still going up, but you will miscarry. If you start bleeding more than a pad an hour, go to the emergency room. If you pass anything larger than a plum, go to the emergency room.” Heart crushed again… My numbers were going up… and I’m not bleeding… why are you saying this??? I called my RE’s office again… The poor nurse there said, “I don’t know why they’re putting you through this…” That makes two of us. I told her that we all know how this can/could/might end, but if my numbers are up, why are they saying this? The RE’s nurse said, “There are only two ways of confirming that you are having a miscarriage… If you no longer have a heartbeat or if you’re bleeding. I sent texts to my husband saying that I wanted a new doctor and that they were just upsetting and confusing me by saying these things. He told me to find a new doctor and to not talk to my doctor’s office. Well. That’s a little difficult to do on such short notice… AND, I was still told to stay on all meds, including heparin.

– On 4-12 and 4-14 I had more blood levels drawn, but I do not know the results of them yet. I anticipate a call from my ob’s office later today. I don’t know if I will answer the phone. My husband and I had discussed just not getting the HcG numbers from the doctor’s office if the RE’s office puts no stock in the numbers anyway. All they do is depress me. I still feel ok. Only mild cramping some of the time (uterus stetching?). I’m still taking folic acid, prenatal vitamins, 600mgs of progesterone and heparin twice daily. I was 7 weeks as of 4-12.

– On 4-17 we have our second “viability” ultrasound. I don’t know what to anticipate. Obviously, I know that I want to see a faster heartbeat. I want to see a baby at 7 weeks and 5 days. I want my HcG levels to have gone up (at least a little). I don’t want to see the ultrasound tech’s face if she can’t see a heartbeat. I don’t want to see my husband’s face if there isn’t a heartbeat. I don’t want to feel my chest crush beneath me if there’s no heartbeat.

We all know how this still can end. No one knows the outcome.

I have found myself jealous of pregnant women. Like, vehemently jealous/angry. I have come across no less than a dozen pregnant women and I still find myself going, “Why not me…? Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.” No, I didn’t forget that I was pregnant, I simply realized that I probably won’t get to the point they are at. I told my husband this, and he said, “But you don’t know their struggle. Maybe they had miscarriages, too. Maybe those are their miracle babies.” Ahh. I can’t be angry at someone for being pregnant. I am pregnant. What the Hell is my problem.

I’m scared for the future. Every day is a blessing/struggle/hurdle. Every bathroom visit is a gift from God when I don’t see blood (I only swipe once for fear that if I swipe twice, I might see blood.) Every morning that I wake up and I’m not laying in a pool of blood is wonderful. I’m literally taking it day by day, minute by minute.

 

 

Still

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A short recap/update:

Here are the levels again (two new ones added):

 

March 24th: HcG was 430, Progesterone 16.61

March 26th: HcG was 1,066, Progesterone 16.16 (it went down?! After googling this, apparently this does fluctuate)

March 31st: HcG was 3,795, Progesterone 20

April 2nd: HcG was 6880, Progesterone 18 (down again)

April 4th: HcG was 9254, Progesterone 14 (down even further)

April 6th: Still waiting on results. Went to the immediate care to get blood work done. They want every 48 hours, no matter what.

 

When I talked to the doctor on Saturday the 5th, they wanted me to stay on heparin and triple my dosage of progesterone. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

A couple of things about progesterone:

I started taking it three days after I ovulated, just like my RE wanted me to. Once I had a positive pregnancy test, I was supposed to stay on it. If I had a negative test, I was supposed to get off of it and wait for my period. During this time frame, when I was taking the progesterone I discovered last month, when I was pregnant, the progesterone didn’t give me any side effects. I didn’t have the extreme cramping that I had in prior months. Conclusion: If I took the progesterone and I was cramping super bad, I wasn’t pregnant. If I didn’t have cramping, I was pregnant. Good to know.

What the doctor/nurses have failed to tell me is that if you’re taking suppositories, you HAVE to clean it out at least once a day. I found this out the hard way, after they wanted me to double my progesterone. I just kept putting it in, thinking that’s what I was supposed to do. Yeah. Imagine the build up. I was so swollen and sore a few days ago, so painful. My husband had to help “clean me out” because I couldn’t bare to do it. I felt so much better once everything was out. So, now that I’m on a triple dose, it’s triple the fun. I’m alternating between Crinone (the gel) and the Endometrin (the suppositories). I seem to do better with the gel (it seems to absorb much better), but for some reason the doctor wants me on suppositories only (which is 6 suppositories a day!). I’m so far beyond uncomfortable. I can’t have sex with my husband because I’m so swollen, sore and uncomfortable.

Tomorrow we have our first ultrasound. I’m so terrified. If I’m really 7 weeks, we should be able to see Baby Poult; we should be able to hear the heartbeat. I’m going to talk to the doctor about getting oral progesterone or getting shots. Or a combination of pills, shots and suppositories. My vagina can’t take too much more right now.

Going back to past pregnancies… The second baby made it to day 51… the third baby made it to day 45. Today is day 51. If I make it through the day, this will be my second longest pregnancy (the first one went to 12 weeks). My doctor was fine with my HcG levels for this pregnancy; they’re so much higher than past pregnancies… I’m worried about my progesterone, though. The fact that it’s going down is definitely not a good sign. I’m so worried and scared. The longer I’m pregnant the more chance I risk of having to have surgery if I do miscarry. I’m trying not to think about that, but obviously that thought never goes away. I’m so happy that the pregnancy has lasted this long. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully the numbers are good. Hopefully there’s a baby with a yolk sac hanging out in my uterus, comfy and cozy.

April 13th I should have been baby #2’s one year birthday. My best friend is due to give birth any minute. Life is so ironic.

April Fools

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Eleven years ago I called my mom while on my way to school (college) and told her she was going to be a grandma. She remembered it was April Fools Day; I didn’t. Whoops. Bad timing on my part. Spoiler alert, she still isn’t a grandma.

So today, eleven years later I find myself pregnant again, torturing myself.

Here’s a Baby Poult update:

March 24th: HcG was 430, Progesterone 16.61

March 26th: HcG was 1,066, Progesterone 16.16 (it went down?! After googling this, apparently this does fluctuate)

March 31st: HcG was 3,795, Progesterone 20

Last period was on February 16th, so, like I posted before, unless I ovulated on day 22 (which, to my knowledge has never happened), it doesn’t make sense. Depending on which chart you look at, my levels are still low. I wish they were higher, but I’ll take what I can get at this point. Next blood draw is tomorrow night–I’m finally going back to work. I work 7-6 with an hour drive both ways, so it makes for a very long day.

I was just thinking how funny ironic it is that some of us have bad eggs/ovaries and can’t ovulate properly but have a fully functioning uterus. My eggs/ovaries are seemingly fine, but my uterus is a “hostile environment.” I have no problem getting pregnant, it’s the staying pregnant thing that I have issues with. It’s too bad we can’t work out some kind of deal. I guess they do do that don’t they. Blah. Gibberish.

Symptom update:

I’m still saying prayers before and after going to the bathroom. Before I go to the bathroom it’s, “Please let there be no blood, no blood, no blood” (think “no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, GO!”) After going to the bathroom and wiping, “Thank God, there was no blood, thank you, thank you, thank you.” Sad, I know.

Heparin: I didn’t take my Heparin shot last night or this morning until I found out my numbers today. I didn’t take it last night because I swear I can feel my cervix opening. Seriously, no joke. I was leaking a clear fluid, like water, and I was sure that I was miscarrying… And this did happen during the last miscarriage. We were on our way back from visiting my husband’s family and I could literally feel my cervix opening up. I was leaking clear liquid then as well (we assumed amniotic fluid?) and a day later, I started bleeding. So last night we were freaking out, crying and scared. I guess I’m ok because the levels increased and I’ve still had no blood. Thank God for that.

My vagina is on fire. Serious burning going on down there. I called the doctor and asked about it and the nurse said that it could be from all the progesterone. As long as it’s tolerable, I shouldn’t worry. I guess if I get the urge to stick a fire extinguisher up my who-ha, then I know enough is enough?

I don’t mean to complain, I really don’t. Some days I don’t know how I make it through the day. This being pregnant thing is making me crazy. Every move I make I think I’m going to start hemorrhaging. I wish, for just one minute–one second, I could take a deep breath and just relax.

I shouldn’t complain. I am so happy to be pregnant. I’m truly grateful for the ability to try this one more time.

But damn, this is not easy.

 

Poult Update

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Yesterday I found out my HcG levels doubled! On Monday they were 430 and on Wednesday on 1,066! This was fantastic news. I was/am super [cautiously] excited. My progesterone was still hovering around 16 (should be between 12-84), but I did double my dosage, so I’m hoping the next draw they will be higher. This is the highest my HcG has been out of the last three pregnancies (not including my first one when I made it to 12 weeks).

The levels are not where I should be if you go back to my last period. According to these HcG levels I’m at day 34. I thought I was on day 41 (according to my period.) I’m almost a week off, which is fine, I just want to get past day 45 and 51 (see previous post). I thought tomorrow I would be at six weeks and instead I’ll be five weeks on Sunday. I’ll have my blood levels checked again on Monday (day 37)  and get the results on Tuesday. My HcG needs to be around 6,880, which is where I thought I should have been at for my first blood drawing. Confusing, I know. I guess it’s possible that I ovulated a week later than what I thought (CD22? weird), but I’ll take it.

I gotta admit, this has been such a roller coaster. My hormones are all over the place. I’m not hungry at all; not craving any foods. My stomach is the continued splotchy mess and my vagina feels like Niagara Falls. My breasts are so tender and I have no energy. Please understand that I’m NOT complaining, it’s just amazing what I’m putting my body through for a baby. (We’ve all been there.) When I took the first two pregnancy tests, I was devastated that they weren’t positive. Then I got the positive, and I wasn’t expecting it–I was hysterical. Here we go again. Oh my God, I can’t lose another baby. No!  This has totally taken me in so many different directions.

Going through this process has got to be a lot like giving birth. What I mean is, so many women say labor is a traumatic, gross experience; some say they would never do it again. But then you get the itch to have another baby, get pregnant, and you’re reminded once again how horrible the experience of labor was. It’s temporary amnesia. We go through the same process… We try for so long to get pregnant, get pregnant and freak out because we know what can happen. We have a miscarriage, mourn the loss, grieve, and then we are ready to try again. Being in the place I am right now, I’m highly/intensely reminded of how this experience feels. I wanted this baby more than life itself and now that I’m here, it’s like, wow, did I wish for this? Why didn’t I remember how totally out of control I feel when I’m pregnant? Why didn’t I remember what it’s like to feel so happy and so terrified in the same minute? Why didn’t I remember that every bathroom trip was going to be a traumatic event? What if I lost this baby? What then? Why did I do this to myself?

Because the end result is worth it. Because journey is just as important as the destination. Day by day, I’ll get through this, however it turns out. Right now, Baby Poult and I are good. We’re together, we’re growing, one of us physically and the other mentally,emotionally and spiritually. I wouldn’t change a second of this crazy ride.