Category Archives: Pregnant

28 weeks

Standard

Tomorrow marks my 28th week. I wish I could say this has been an easy pregnancy. I wish I could say that I’m excited. I wish this were a “normal” pregnancy.

I’ve still not fully accepted that this is happening. I’ve gained a total of 13 lbs, which is great for my size, and feel her kick and move often now. I’m not quite sure how this hasn’t registered in my brain. There’s a disconnect between the ultrasound pictures and the fact that she’s inside me. There’s also a disconnect between the sensations of her kicking and me recognizing that it’s my daughter.

It’s a very surreal place to be.

My doctor assures me that this is normal and that I have nothing to worry about. In time, the wall will break down and I will have my “aha” moment and all will be well in the world. Mentally, I’m still at 4-6 weeks gestation. In my mind, I have only recently seen the positive pregnancy lines and I’m still anticipating that I will lose this child.

But realistically, she can be born anytime now, and she will survive.

*Mind blown*

So far, everything has been perfect. My blood sugar’s have been perfect and I passed my glucose test with flying colors (my level was 114). My blood pressure has been great, as well as my weight gain.

Everything is perfect.

And yet, it all feels so fake. Doing a baby registry at Baby’s R Us and Target… was traumatizing. I still have anxiety attacks looking at baby stuff… I still feel like I’m faking it. I’m still jealous of pregnant women and I want to be pregnant like them. It’s such a mind game that I can’t wrap my mind around. I feel like I’m preparing for a wonderful trip that I’ll never take. I feel like a fake.

We started working on her nursery; a woodland forest theme with pink and green accents. We have purchased some items and they’re in her room, but I’m not ready to put it all together yet. It feels like there are a million things to get done in the short amount of time we have left. And I’m going to have to push myself to make this happen. I struggle with washing her bedding and taking tags off of anything. I have a difficult time doing anything that can’t be easily reversed–just in case.

I still try to picture holding her. I try and imagine my husband holding her for the first time. And it feels like a pipe dream… like imagining what you would do with a winning lottery ticket.

I had an ultrasound and doctor’s appointment yesterday. She’s measuring a week ahead of schedule at 29 weeks. She weighs approximately 2.13lbs. She’s real.

So… for now, I’ll continue to plug along at my own pace. I’ll try an accept that this is real. I’ll try.

Advertisements

Fourteen

Standard

Obviously it’s been a long time since blogging. After looking back at my last post, I realize I never gave the update to what happened after my surgery. The surgery was successful… The ultrasound showed that my uterine septum went from 12mm to 5.5mm, which was the goal. We waited the obligatory three months before trying to conceive. During that time I saw a new ob/gyn. After going through three losses with the last doctor, I wasn’t impressed with her plan of action and did research into finding a doctor who would support me, support the baby and keep my spirits high. I found the perfect doctor. I met with my new ob/gyn, Dr. C, in November. We made a plan… figured out the course of action and determined what medicines I would be on during ovulation and the medicines I would be on the moment I had a positive pregnancy test. And, well, the plan worked.

20150215_081101 (2)

Bought for our previous baby, “Poult”

December 19th was my last period. Conception would have been January 1st or 2nd… I started taking progesterone suppositories on January 5th (three days after ovulation) and I knew. Whenever I’m not pregnant, the progesterone gives me crazy stomach cramps… they’re unbearable and I immediately stop taking them. When I am pregnant, I don’t have any pain. I started to feel breast pain. My hair and nails were different. I started to feel pregnant. The symptoms were probably all in my head, but I did feel pregnant. The progesterone alone made me realize that I was in fact pregnant. I got scared. I knew what was coming.

We bought this outfit in October. It hung in our bedroom as "inspiration."

We bought this outfit in October. It hung in our bedroom as “inspiration.”

On January 12th, approximately at week three, I already had an annual ob visit scheduled. I told the nurse practitioner, who did my exam, that I thought I was pregnant. She told me we could do a beta, and I agreed. It came back negative. Negative. I was devastated. How could that be? I knew I was pregnant. She apologized as she explained on the phone that my beta was negative. Said there’s always next time… I was told to stop taking the progesterone so that my period wouldn’t be delayed. Against my better judgement, I stopped taking the progesterone. On Friday, January 16th, I took a pregnancy test. It was late at night after my husband went to work. The faintest of faintest lines was there… I literally ripped the pregnancy test apart and pulled out the lightly tinted lines. I held it up to the light. It was there.

20150117_062531 (2)

Faintest of the faintest… Saturday morning. (Not ripped apart!)

The next morning, Saturday, I took another test. Another faint line, slightly darker than the first. But it was there. I was not hallucinating. I woke up my husband up and told him. He smiled. I silently panicked. The blood test had shown nothing… and now at week four, only four days after the beta, I was seeing faint lines… I’ve been here before. Flooding emotions paralyzed me.

Saturday morning during my drive to work, I saw a beautiful sunrise that lasted literally only a couple of minutes.

Saturday morning during my drive to work (the morning I did the second pregnancy test), I saw a beautiful sunrise that lasted literally only a couple of minutes.

The Sunrise

The Sunrise

Minutes after, it was over.

Minutes after, it was over.

Que the blood work. Que the panic. Que the checking for blood at every moment. Que the fabulously painful lovenox shots. We did two betas and that was it. Two. They doubled within 48 hours and that was good enough for my new doctor. I pleaded my case to check them every 48 hours… I had been through this before, where the levels doubled in the first few weeks… Then they started to taper off. He said no, we would not be checking the betas every 48 hours. At first, this was Hell. Then, I realized I was actually more relaxed in not having to get my blood drawn one day and wait for the results the next. It calmed me a little. Whatever was going to happen, was going to happen. Weekly, my doctor followed my progesterone levels, which fluctuated up and down… He increased my progesterone. I was now taking one progesterone suppository morning and night, a progesterone pill morning and night, taking a lovenox shot at night as well as folic acid and a prenatal. I was doing everything I could.

Infamous Lovenox

Infamous Lovenox

My first ultrasound was scheduled for February 17th… which would have been 8 weeks and 5 days… That was too long. I panicked. I never make it that far. I was never going to see my baby… My other ob/gyn did weekly ultrasounds starting at five weeks. Eight weeks? No way. I bided my time. I begged for beta tests and a sooner ultrasound. It was only matter of time.

The weeks did pass. Each day I waited. And somehow my ultrasound date came. Because I hadn’t been bleeding, I knew that when we saw the baby, the baby would measure a week small. I anticipated every scenario. I anticipated a slow heartbeat like before. I anticipated seeing no heartbeat like before. I anticipated seeing no baby like before. I anticipated seeing a baby that was much too small for where I was gestation-wise. Just. Like. Before. I anticipated everything except for what I saw. The ultrasound tech found the baby immediately. Measuring perfectly at 8 weeks and 4 days, one day off. A perfect heartbeat of 175 beats per minute. A perfect, tiny baby. And I cried. Tears filled my eyes and I could barely look at the screen. Baby was perfect. I was ready for anything BUT that. I did receive a phone call from Dr. C’s office after the ultrasound the there was a small subchorionic hemorrhage near the baby. I was assured this was completely normal and absolutely nothing to worry about. Of course I googled it. And of course I worried. But I was assured everything would be perfect.

20150217_161030 (2)

Baby… Measuring perfectly

20150217_161024 (2)

Everyone said it looked like Casper the ghost here.

On day 73, week 10 day 3, I had bleeding. It was light. I panicked. This was March 1st, and a Sunday. The following day I conveniently had a doctor’s appointment scheduled. The appointment was at 1:30. That morning I had more spotting and when I actually made it to the appointment, at the doctors office, I passed a small clot and had more bleeding. It took every ounce of energy I had to walk into that exam room and tell the nurse. I had captured the clot in a urine cup from the bathroom. I started to cry. And I knew it was over. I knew that I was starting my fifth miscarriage. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t compose myself very well. We switched exam rooms and the nurse practitioner examined me. My cervix was fully in tact and I was not actively bleeding. The consensus was that I had passed the subchorionic hemorrhage. The ultrasound tech was not there that day and I had to wait and agonizing 24 hours for them to do an ultrasound to confirm that the baby was ok. And it was. We saw the baby, two weeks bigger than before, measuring perfectly with a heartbeat of 170. I could breathe again.

20150303_135436 (2)

Baby’s first 3D photo… Hands by the ears…

20150303_135523 (2)

Head, two fists and a body… perfect

I watched the days go by… the different milestones I crossed. Getting past day 45, day 51, day 70 and day 77… all the dates that I lost the previous babies… Each day was a milestone to cross…

On March 10th, we had a doctor’s appointment with Dr. C. He had a hand held ultrasound machine and we saw the baby again. We saw it jump around on this tiny screen. It was perfect. We talked about doing genetic testing and finding out the sex. Originally, I never wanted to find out the gender because I wanted it to be a surprise. But I told my doctor that I thought it would help me connect with the baby. I told him I was having a very difficult time connecting with the baby and that I felt very little. He told me that what I was experiencing was completely normal; I was in survival mode. So we did the genetic testing. Dr. C said he wanted me in the office every two weeks for my sanity. He said he knew that I wouldn’t be ok going a whole month without knowing how baby was. He was right, and I’m very grateful for that.

March 23rd, the nurse called with the genetic information. She told us the baby was perfect. There were no genetic abnormalities. No Trisomy 13, 18 or 21. No downs syndrome. The baby was perfect. Then she asked me how we would like to find out the sex of the baby… Did we want to pick up an envelope and open it together or take it to a bakery and have them make a cake with blue or pink inside? I asked her to call my husband and tell him first. I always find out all information first, and I wanted him to know before me. She called him and minutes later he called me back to tell me that we are having a girl.

20150323_205037 (2)

For my husband’s colleagues. Made with a sign saying “We’re expecting a girl!” I only had to bring two to work, since I only work with two other people.

On March 25th, I had another doctor’s appointment with the nurse practitioner. She used a doppler to find the heartbeat… now at 150. I asked if that was normal and she said yes. Now the baby’s heartbeat would be between 120-160 bpm depending on whether or not it was sleeping or moving around.

On March 27th, I was fourteen weeks. Today, I am fourteen weeks and three days. Day 101.

I wish I could say that I’m excited. I wish I could say “her” or “she” instead of “it” or “baby”… but I’m not excited and I can’t say “her” or “she” yet. I find it very sad and I’m getting concerned because I’m not excited. I’ve talked to several people about my feelings and everyone who I’ve talked to says that what I’m feeling and experiencing is completely normal. I get anxiety going into the baby section of a store. We looked at car seats today and I started to panic. We’ve started stock piling diapers, but to me is a practical, necessary thing… it’s also impersonal, where as buying clothes or items that the baby would use are too much for me right now. I hope this passes. I hope that when I start to feel movement, that I start getting excited. I hope there’s some passion and excitement in my voice. But for now, I will take it day by day and I’ll look forward to the next day.

 

 

How to have the longest miscarriage in the history of miscarriages.

Standard

Here’s a rundown of how you accomplish this feat, should you so choose.

April 8th: Heartbeat

April 17th: No heartbeat, “You will miscarry…”

April 26th: Very mild spotting, dark brown.

April 27th: Start hemorrhaging, go to ER, pass tons of clots and “products of conception”–ultrasound shows only a few blood clots, “you’re fine to pass those on your own at home.”

April 27th-May 9th: Bleeding. Lots at first, then on and off alternating between bright red and brown. New and old.

May 4th: Hcg still at 440. Dr., “We need to do another ultrasound to confirm there are ‘no products of conception.'”

May 7th: Ultrasound. Nurse says nothing. I think everything looks good. (I’m such an expert).

May 8th: Nurse, “The doctor says there’s still something on the upper right side of your uterus and your lining is still thick. It could be products of conception or it’s your septum. She’s not sure. We’re going to still monitor your Hcg and follow it all the way down. If you start bleeding more than a pad an hour or passing clots, go to the ER.” FYI, the baby was on the upper right side of my uterus.

May 8th (after recovering from what the nurse just told me): Me, frantically trying to call the doctor back to find out, 1. How big this “product” is 2. If she feels it should wait or if we can do a D&C now (why wait until I’m hemorrhaging again?) 3. If I can have sex (great stress reliever) 4. If they ever got the results back from the “product” in the hospital.

May 8th (after my patience has completely gone): No phone call back. No answers. Waiting for something to happen or to not happen.

May 9th: More panic attacks. Doctor is conveniently not in the office on Friday’s.

May 10th (I’m fucking psychic now): Struggle through the day wondering when/if something is going to fly out of my uterus, Alien style.

May 11th: Drink. A lot. Don’t buy a gun.

Unleasing the Uterus

Standard

There’s no way of predicting how a miscarriage will turn out. Once you have decided that you’re going for the “natural” approach as opposed to having a D&C, you assume it’s going to be, well, natural. No medical intervention, just you and a whole lot of blood. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to go…

On April 13th we should have had a one year old birthday party for our second baby. On April 17th we had no heartbeat with our fourth baby. April 19th was my birthday. April 26th I started having very, very mild brown discharge. Very minimal, no big deal. I thought, “Well, this is going to take a long time…” I had very minimal cramping and expected to start a period-like miscarriage shortly.

My last two miscarriages (miscarriage two and three) were fairly easy–as easy as a miscarriage can be anyway. I had a heavy period-like miscarriage… One lasted seven days, the other lasted nine days. I assumed that was how this one would go.

April 26th (Saturday) was the brown discharge. April 27th (Sunday), I still had the brown discharge all day. Man, this is going to take forever!

Sunday night around 6:00 I told my husband I was starting to have cramps. “I think I’m finally going to start bleeding.” I took some Tylenol and was watching tv as my husband cooked dinner. The cramps got increasingly worse and at 7:30 I asked him to please get my heating pad. I could tell I had started bleeding, but I didn’t go to the bathroom yet (I already had a pad on). We had dinner and at 8:00 I went to the bathroom. The bleeding went from the brown discharge to bright red blood… A lot of blood. I felt something slip out of me, about the size of a golf ball, which made a splash when it hit the water. I went back to the living room and felt so awful. The cramping was getting worse. Ten minutes I went to the bathroom again… Passed something even bigger… I’m guessing the size of a plum… Both masses went straight to the bottom of the toilet. The amount of blood scared me and my pad was soaked within a matter of minutes. I came back into the living room crying and told my husband we needed to go to the ER, immediately. We were in the ER within 20 minutes. I wasn’t having cramps, I was having contractions. They were five minutes apart and I had pressure in my rectum. I felt an incredible urge to push. When we got to the ER they immediately put us in a room, but we had to wait forty minutes to be seen by the doctor… I was having contractions the entire time, bleeding everywhere.

My mom was there with us… She and my husband were counting out my contractions… They went from five minutes apart to three minutes apart lasting about a minute and a half. Finally, I was seen by the ER doctor. He gave me dilaudid, a personal favorite; I highly recommend it. He also did an exam and got no where because there was so much blood and too many blood clots. He couldn’t see my cervix. He immediately called the OB on call. I asked if I could use the bathroom… I had to go pee. The floor was covered in blood from the exam… my pants and flip flops were covered from when I changed into my gown. I shuffled to the bathroom with a giant pad between my legs. I passed probably 20-30 blood clots into one of their “hats” in the bathroom… It looked like someone had been murdered when I was done and I apologized to the nurse several times. I asked if their was any tissue in the clots so that it could be genetically tested. The nurse said there wasn’t any tissue, that they were just blood clots. Fantastic.

Once the on-call OB came down, she wanted to do another exam. More blood… but she could finally see my cervix. I was dilated about the size of a finger tip. What is that, a centimeter? “I think it’s safe to say you’re in the beginning stages of this miscarriage.” Hello Dr. Obvious. Thanks for the update. “Did your doctor talk to you about what happens during a miscarriage?” Yeah, we got the memo on that, too. Dr. Obvious wanted to admit me in the hospital because of the amount of blood I was losing. She wasn’t sure if we needed to do a D&C because my body was doing the work for me. She offered to put Cytotec into my vagina to help soften my cervix and help make the contractions stronger. “It will help speed up the process.” I was unsure about having stronger contractions, but I was also sure I could handle it with my best friend, dilaudid, near-by. I was also sure I wanted this over as soon as possible.

I was admitted into the hospital and got into my room around midnight. My mom went home and my husband stayed with me. After gettting settled into the room, Dr. Obvious came in the room to exam me again and insert the Cytotec. “You’re dilated more than you were downstairs.” Then she told me there was too much blood to put the Cytotec into my vagina… It would have to go in my rectum. I actually said, “This just keeps getting better and better…”

Once the Cytotec was inserted, the lights were turned down low we just waited for everything to happen. My husband and I both fell in and out of consciousness. I had more dilaudid every two hours. The nurse came in at 2:00 and at 4:00. I was bleeding the entire time but nothing passed. When I closed my eyes, I could literally feel my uterus contracting. Every few minutes (contractions?) would jolt me awake and startle me. I didn’t feel any pain except for little earthquakes in my abdomen. When the new nurse came in at 4 in the morning, she came over to my bed and pushed hard on my stomach… I asked her to please stop and she said, “It’s necessary.” Uh. Fuck you. I told her that I needed to go to the bathroom and that I wanted a “hat” to use so that I could collect any tissue. She said, “Dr. Obvious said that you passed everything when you were in the ER. You’re just bleeding now.” Uh, no. I’m not. Get me a fucking hat,is what I’m thinking. Finally after trying to convince her of this I went to the bathroom and passed a huge clot. Like, larger than my fist. I told the nurse I wanted it saved to be tested. It stayed in the room with us until we left. I wish they would would have sent it in immediately, or sent it to be frozen. I tried to be an advocate to get someone to take it, but no one did until we left the hospital. I couldn’t tell if it was just a huge blood clot of if it was the baby. I didn’t have the strength to dissect it.

We left the hospital around 2:00 pm that day… An ultrasound confirmed that no “product of conception” remained. I continued to bleed all week (and I’m still bleeding). It’s been 8 days since the bloody onset. I had my blood drawn last night at an immediate care clinic. I found out today my HcG is still sitting at around 440. My doctor wants me to have another ultrasound on Wednesday to confirm that everything is gone. She’s concerned that I may have to have a D&C… after everything I’ve already been through. I hope that that’s not the case.

Wednesday morning I have the ultrasound at 8:00 and then I’m meeting Hilary from “The Corner” at 1:00 for coffee. I’m looking for some comfort and guidance from her. That’s what she does best–help people like me.

Bye, bye Birdie.

Standard

Yesterday we had our second “viability” ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. The baby had not grown from 6 weeks, 4 days, in fact, it got smaller to 6 weeks and 1 or 2 days.

I stopped all meds… No more heparin, no more progesterone. We’re assuming the septum is the cause of the demise, but no one can really say for sure. Little Poult didn’t even have a fighting chance.

Of course I was given the option of letting it pass naturally or having a D&C. The only reason for doing a D&C is so they can “test the product.” For now, I’m choosing things to happen on their own time. I haven’t started bleeding yet, but based on the way I feel, I’m sure it’s coming soon.

As I type this, I’m at a loss for words. There’s so much to say and yet, nothing at all. Upset and devastated just aren’t strong enough. Where do we go from here? Talk of another septum resection surgery… freezing my eggs until we have a surrogate… getting a vasectomy…

How did I even get here?

When did I become someone who couldn’t give my husband the most basic, primal thing? When did I stop wanting to try again? What the hell is this feeling? Is this postpartum? How did I climb out of this hole three times before? How did I become an unpregnant pregnant woman? How did I become a mother to no one? Why are there no answers? How the fuck did I become someone who has another dead baby inside of them?

Tomorrow’s my 34th birthday. When my best friend and I were talking on Tuesday, she asked how I was going to spend my birthday. I told her, “I just want to spend the day pregnant.” I should have amended that and said that I wanted to spend the day pregnant with a live baby. Stupid me.

I don’t know where I go from here… I am going off of Facebook. I can’t handle another ultrasound/pregnant belly/first birthday/here’s my sick kid/Easter picture. I don’t want to work because some pregnant woman might come in. I might have to help yet another mom figure out the perfect shade of baby blue for the nursery. I might have to design a nursery or a kids room. I don’t want to read blogs anymore. I can’t hear about dead babies and potential pregnancies anymore. We try, and try, and for what? This? This, my friends, is shit.

I’m just going to have to do what I can do. Cry, sleep and wait.

 

 

Pregnant Woman Jealous of Pregnant Women

Standard

So much has happened in this past week… I’ll try to recap briefly…

– Last Tuesday (4-8-14), a week ago, we had our first ultrasound. We saw a heartbeat! A sweet, little blip and a heartbeat! The baby was on the upper right side of my uterus and there was no way of knowing if it attached to my septum (fatal) or if it was attached to the side of the uterus. The heartbeat was not as fast as my doctor would have liked, but the ultrasound technician said that she believed the heart just started beating 8-12 hours before. My progesterone wasn’t going up the way my ob would have liked, so we switched from 300mg of progesterone to 600mg. I now am taking one pill twice daily and one suppository twice daily–MUCH more comfortable.

– On 4-9-14 my ob’s nurse called me and told me my HcG levels… This would have been from the blood draw on the 8th. They were 19,075. She said they weren’t doubling like my doctor wanted and that I would miscarry. Not might. Not maybe. Would. I was a little stunned, only because my husband and I were shooting for 19,000 because of what we have read online. Your levels don’t double after they get above 6,000. They start doubling every 96+ hours. Color me confused. I told her this, and she said, “No… I’m sorry. They aren’t doubling.” What. The. Hell. So I called my reproductive endocrinologist and spoke with the nurse. She said, “I don’t know whey they’re checking your levels every 48 hours… After we have a heartbeat and your levels are above 6,000, we stop checking the levels because they don’t matter.” I was heart broken. I didn’t know what to think of believe. After talking to my husband, we decided to disregard what my ob said and carry on as normal. P.S. The ob told me to stay on all meds… including heparin. If she really believed I was going to miscarry, why stay on heparin? P.P.S My best friend had her baby. Yeah!

– On 4-10-14 I had my levels drawn again and my ob’s office called me on the 11th. HcG was at 24,416… The number was what my husband and I were looking for. The nurse said, “Your numbers are still going up, but you will miscarry. If you start bleeding more than a pad an hour, go to the emergency room. If you pass anything larger than a plum, go to the emergency room.” Heart crushed again… My numbers were going up… and I’m not bleeding… why are you saying this??? I called my RE’s office again… The poor nurse there said, “I don’t know why they’re putting you through this…” That makes two of us. I told her that we all know how this can/could/might end, but if my numbers are up, why are they saying this? The RE’s nurse said, “There are only two ways of confirming that you are having a miscarriage… If you no longer have a heartbeat or if you’re bleeding. I sent texts to my husband saying that I wanted a new doctor and that they were just upsetting and confusing me by saying these things. He told me to find a new doctor and to not talk to my doctor’s office. Well. That’s a little difficult to do on such short notice… AND, I was still told to stay on all meds, including heparin.

– On 4-12 and 4-14 I had more blood levels drawn, but I do not know the results of them yet. I anticipate a call from my ob’s office later today. I don’t know if I will answer the phone. My husband and I had discussed just not getting the HcG numbers from the doctor’s office if the RE’s office puts no stock in the numbers anyway. All they do is depress me. I still feel ok. Only mild cramping some of the time (uterus stetching?). I’m still taking folic acid, prenatal vitamins, 600mgs of progesterone and heparin twice daily. I was 7 weeks as of 4-12.

– On 4-17 we have our second “viability” ultrasound. I don’t know what to anticipate. Obviously, I know that I want to see a faster heartbeat. I want to see a baby at 7 weeks and 5 days. I want my HcG levels to have gone up (at least a little). I don’t want to see the ultrasound tech’s face if she can’t see a heartbeat. I don’t want to see my husband’s face if there isn’t a heartbeat. I don’t want to feel my chest crush beneath me if there’s no heartbeat.

We all know how this still can end. No one knows the outcome.

I have found myself jealous of pregnant women. Like, vehemently jealous/angry. I have come across no less than a dozen pregnant women and I still find myself going, “Why not me…? Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.” No, I didn’t forget that I was pregnant, I simply realized that I probably won’t get to the point they are at. I told my husband this, and he said, “But you don’t know their struggle. Maybe they had miscarriages, too. Maybe those are their miracle babies.” Ahh. I can’t be angry at someone for being pregnant. I am pregnant. What the Hell is my problem.

I’m scared for the future. Every day is a blessing/struggle/hurdle. Every bathroom visit is a gift from God when I don’t see blood (I only swipe once for fear that if I swipe twice, I might see blood.) Every morning that I wake up and I’m not laying in a pool of blood is wonderful. I’m literally taking it day by day, minute by minute.

 

 

Still

Standard

A short recap/update:

Here are the levels again (two new ones added):

 

March 24th: HcG was 430, Progesterone 16.61

March 26th: HcG was 1,066, Progesterone 16.16 (it went down?! After googling this, apparently this does fluctuate)

March 31st: HcG was 3,795, Progesterone 20

April 2nd: HcG was 6880, Progesterone 18 (down again)

April 4th: HcG was 9254, Progesterone 14 (down even further)

April 6th: Still waiting on results. Went to the immediate care to get blood work done. They want every 48 hours, no matter what.

 

When I talked to the doctor on Saturday the 5th, they wanted me to stay on heparin and triple my dosage of progesterone. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

A couple of things about progesterone:

I started taking it three days after I ovulated, just like my RE wanted me to. Once I had a positive pregnancy test, I was supposed to stay on it. If I had a negative test, I was supposed to get off of it and wait for my period. During this time frame, when I was taking the progesterone I discovered last month, when I was pregnant, the progesterone didn’t give me any side effects. I didn’t have the extreme cramping that I had in prior months. Conclusion: If I took the progesterone and I was cramping super bad, I wasn’t pregnant. If I didn’t have cramping, I was pregnant. Good to know.

What the doctor/nurses have failed to tell me is that if you’re taking suppositories, you HAVE to clean it out at least once a day. I found this out the hard way, after they wanted me to double my progesterone. I just kept putting it in, thinking that’s what I was supposed to do. Yeah. Imagine the build up. I was so swollen and sore a few days ago, so painful. My husband had to help “clean me out” because I couldn’t bare to do it. I felt so much better once everything was out. So, now that I’m on a triple dose, it’s triple the fun. I’m alternating between Crinone (the gel) and the Endometrin (the suppositories). I seem to do better with the gel (it seems to absorb much better), but for some reason the doctor wants me on suppositories only (which is 6 suppositories a day!). I’m so far beyond uncomfortable. I can’t have sex with my husband because I’m so swollen, sore and uncomfortable.

Tomorrow we have our first ultrasound. I’m so terrified. If I’m really 7 weeks, we should be able to see Baby Poult; we should be able to hear the heartbeat. I’m going to talk to the doctor about getting oral progesterone or getting shots. Or a combination of pills, shots and suppositories. My vagina can’t take too much more right now.

Going back to past pregnancies… The second baby made it to day 51… the third baby made it to day 45. Today is day 51. If I make it through the day, this will be my second longest pregnancy (the first one went to 12 weeks). My doctor was fine with my HcG levels for this pregnancy; they’re so much higher than past pregnancies… I’m worried about my progesterone, though. The fact that it’s going down is definitely not a good sign. I’m so worried and scared. The longer I’m pregnant the more chance I risk of having to have surgery if I do miscarry. I’m trying not to think about that, but obviously that thought never goes away. I’m so happy that the pregnancy has lasted this long. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully the numbers are good. Hopefully there’s a baby with a yolk sac hanging out in my uterus, comfy and cozy.

April 13th I should have been baby #2’s one year birthday. My best friend is due to give birth any minute. Life is so ironic.