Category Archives: Uncategorized

Blogging, babies and selfish behavior. 

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“Blog” has been on my to-do list for literally the past seven+ months. It’s not that I don’t have the time, I do. It’s not that I don’t want, I do. I just don’t, and I don’t know what the “why” is. 

It’s crazy to believe we have a soon to be 15 month old. It’s even crazier to look back and think about the struggles we had to get her here. All the everything we went through. The pregnancy seemed fast and slow all at the same time. The last 15 months have gone exactly the same way. The struggle to get here is a distant memory some days. Some days this all seems normal. And then I have a moment where I realize how completely hard it was to get to this moment. I am thankful I didn’t give up when I wanted to, and man did I want to. 

She’s a great, easy baby. She’s a great eater and sleeper and always has been. Her temperament is awesome. She’s sweet, feeds her babies milk before feeding herself, says mama and buh bye so sweetly. She’s 100% perfect. 

Of course there’s always the question of when number two will come. People ask when we’ll have another. When I smile and say, “oh, she’ll be an only child,” they look at me like I have three heads. Someone even told me I shouldn’t be selfish and give her a sibling. You don’t want her growing up alone. She’s so beautiful/good/smart/etc, you have to have another. 

When the truth is, I want to have another baby, even after saying a million times when I was pregnant with her I’d never get pregnant again. The truth is, that pregnancy was mentally and emotionally draining on me. Physically,  I was fine except for the lovenox and heprin shots and the progesterone inserts and pills. I don’t know if I can go back there. I don’t know if I can handle the pink lines again, the waiting, the not knowing, the always checking for blood and sleepless nights because the baby might die tonight. So I guess I am selfish. 

But I also think it’s selfish of me to want another baby. We go so lucky with Lili. She’s perfect and yes I do want another. And yes, I’d love to give her that sibling. But it’s selfish of me too, because I want that baby. I want more baby snuggles and late night feedings. That’s selfish. We should stop while we’re ahead. Tempting fate does not appeal to me again. 

I had an ultrasound the past week. It showed that I have a fibroid in my uterine lining. I suspected as much; my periods have been a little off. I also have endometrioma as a result of the csection, which needs to come out at some point. I see my doctor in two weeks, and from there we’ll decide either to have a hysterectomy to relieve both problems or we’ll try for another pregnancy and at the end of that pregnancy I’ll have a hysterectomy. The first is more likely to happen. And that makes me incredibly sad. 

I will try to post the decision in a timely manner… at this point, I’m fairly certain “blogging” will be taken off the to-do in the future. I think I needed it once upon a time, but not anymore… 

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Twenty-One

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We were 21 weeks on Friday. Still doesn’t seem any more real. We haven’t done anything to prepare for the nursery yet and we still haven’t purchased anything for her. My stomach is getting harder and bigger and the ultrasounds have been great. From what the doctors tell me, she and I are doing wonderfully. I’ll update again later with an ultrasound picture and other tidbits.

We’re currently in Ohio watching my brother-in-laws six kids for their 10 year anniversary. From zero to six: We’re certifiable.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

A Promise to Myself

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My Perfect Breakdown

20140917 - A Promise to Myeslf

I am going to watch the world go by.

I am going to take in every single moment.

Each sound. A child laughing. A bird singing. A squirrel chirping.

Each sight. A majestic sunset. A first snowfall. A daisy blowing in the wind. A dog frolicking in the park.

Each smell. A warm bonfire crackling. A fresh smell of lemon zest filling the air. A coffee pot percolating. A roast roasting.

I will seek to see the happiness through the clouds.

Each and every moment.

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I will be an active participant in the world.

I will make a positive contribution with every action I take.

I will live with joy, happiness, and love. I will spread joy. I will spread happiness. I will spread love.

I will leave the world a better place when it’s my turn to go.

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I will live by my code of kindness and…

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Our Infertility Rap Sheets

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Thank you for helping me understand we’re more than this number.

Ever Upward™

Ever Upward is growing. My world is expanding. My recovery is strengthening.

Which also means my shamed silence is triggered more often. Even though my shame resilience has grown as a result of my practicing recovery.

As I meet more and more people in the infertility world, blogging or otherwise, I am finding myself comparing my story to theirs. I have always been uncomfortable with the TTC (trying to conceive) timelines. I am especially uncomfortable when our About pages and Twitter bio’s are our TTC timelines full of numbers and acronyms.

What I have come to realize is that my discomfort is simply a result of my shame being triggered.

The numbers we share to describe ourselves; how many miscarriages, cycles, IUIs, IVFs, BFNs, etc.* Hell, I have my numbers in my bio (two rounds of IVF and three never to be babies). I thought I included these because…

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An Infertile’s Relationship with Shame, Blame and Guilt

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I need to reread this over and over again. Thank you!

My Perfect Breakdown

Following other bloggers and learning more about the emotional consequences of infertility and miscarriage, I’ve begun to realize that there is are very real and deep rooted feeling of guilt, shame and self-blame for those experiencing most (if not all) types of infertility.

I find these emotions fascinating because I have not once felt shame because of our miscarriages and I have never blamed either one of us for them. Although, I do feel guilt, it’s important to note that guilt is an emotion that I feel about almost everything, so for me it’s not unique to this circumstance (I’ll get into my obsession with guilt in a bit).

Before I jump into my experience with these three emotions, first, let me state that I have watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk, and have only read only the first 3 chapters of The Gifts of Imperfection.  (I have no idea why, but…

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What do I say to my co-worker who has suffered a miscarriage?

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I wish I could give this to everyone to read.

Dwonna Know What I Think?

Dear Dwonna:

My co-worker was four months pregnant when she suffered a miscarriage. What should I say?

Signed,

Marilyn

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*Nisey James, my former student at the University of Texas, has answered this question for me since she understands this profound loss.*
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Dear Marilyn,

First, I’d like to commend you on seeking guidance. This is a very delicate time for your coworker, and you’ve unwittingly given her the best gift possible: thoughtful consideration.

As the mother of a sleeping son, I want to thank you for doing what so few have the courage to do. As someone who knows how painful it is to be a childless mother, I’m honored to offer whatever assistance I can to you (and, consequently, to your coworker).

Here is my advice.

Say something—and then be prepared to just listen. Most people don’t know what to say to someone who suffers a…

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