Category Archives: Uncategorized

Blogging Future

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Updates on here have been nonexistent. My mind randomly goes to, “I should write a blog…” at least once a day and clearly that never happens.

So much has happened since last September. I started seeing a therapist in September and that should come with it’s own warning label. I’m not a fan of talking about myself (which is in part why I don’t like to blog) and she is definitely… a free spirit.

I had a hysterectomy in December and that was one of the *best* decisions I could have ever made. I started seeing the therapist prior to surgery to discuss my thoughts and motives behind getting the surgery. I struggled with wanting another baby and knowing I didn’t want to put myself through that again. Ultimately, it came down to a medical decision because I still had placental tissue that had remained from when I had my daughter two years prior. Y’all, that’s not normal. IF placental tissue is left in you after a baby, your body continues to think your still pregnant and treat your body like it is. I was having crazy heavy, long periods. I had to plan my life around when it was going to hit; it was less than ideal. Aside from having a hysterectomy, there was no other way to get rid of the placental tissue and I had the surgery in December. The luxury of not having a period, not having to worry about birth control and never getting pregnant again is wonderful. After the surgery I was a little sad knowing I’ll never have another baby. But, I also took solace in the fact that if we HAD tried a sixth time for *live* baby No. #2, more than likely I would have failed at getting pregnant and was 100% likely to miscarry. So. Thankfully, my reproductive years are behind me. And I’m grateful.

So where do I go from here? This blog was originally intended to be about me being overweight and being told repeatedly I have a pretty face and I need to lose weight. It turned into a miscarriage blog and now those days are behind me. It’s been a crazy few months and years. In 2016 a friend of mine and I started a non-profit for families and moms who are experiencing a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss. It’s very similar to the organization that I was volunteering for, except we’re based in a different state. We also offer doula support for families who are pregnant with their rainbow baby and we also offer doula support for families who know their babies are terminal and, when born, will only live a few hours. I’m so proud and excited for us and the families who we will be able to serve. I know most people hate the saying, “everything happens for a reason,” but I truly think it does. My miscarriages are giving me purpose in helping other families go through the same thing. It takes devastation and turmoil in our own lives to help others. I’m grateful for my story; I cherish it. If it allows me to help others, it was worth it.

Every year I struggle with whether or not I should renew and keep the blog going. I think for now, I will, because I don’t want to lose this domain and I like the *idea* of being able to blog when I want. I’m not sure what it will turn into, but I’m excited for the possibilities!

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She’s Enough

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In my last post, I was going back and forth in whether or not I wanted to try for a second (sixth?) child. I’m sure in my mind I went back and forth a million times. I wanted a second (sixth!) baby, but my fear was greater than my want. In the end, I decided that we wouldn’t try again for another baby. In the end, I decided that I was happy with my one live baby, and she was “enough.”

Coming to that decision wasn’t easy. I feel badly that she won’t be have a sister or a brother, but as I’ve been told, she’ll never know the difference. She might long for a brother or sister, but if she had a brother or sister, she might wish she didn’t. The choice was made to give her the best life we possibly can, knowing that she was our miracle baby. Having her doesn’t make my heart ache less for the babies I lost. Having another child wouldn’t fill that void either. That void is there for the four babies I lost. We, as a society, continually try to fill the void. Once we acquire what we want, we move on to the next thing we want. I got a baby. And I wanted another. We never appreciate what’s in front of us. I had to stop myself and start to appreciate the baby that I finally “got” and stop wishing I had “just one more…” She’s enough.

I know even though a huge part of me didn’t want to go through another stressful pregnancy, I knew I could do it. I could do the blood draws, doctor’s visits, ultrasounds, lovenox shots, progesterone suppositories and another c-section if I really wanted to. I could have even gone through another miscarriage if that’s how it played out. Even though I feel like that would have crushed me, it wouldn’t. And the reason I know that is because if someone would have told me, “You will have to go through four miscarriages, two uterine plastic surgeries, four D&C’s, two hospital stays, a pregnancy you will worry through every day while taking suppositories and injections, you’ll get a baby,” I would have said hell no and ran the other direction. Absolutely not. Hell no. But I’ve already been through it. And you know what? It was worth it. Going through all of that for another baby would absolutely be worth it. But I’m happy to say, that enough is enough and I’m at a good place where I can look at my daughter and say, “I wanted to stop. I didn’t want to try one more time. But I did. And I’m so happy I didn’t give up.” She’s more than enough. Every bit of what I went through, was worth it.

She just turned two. She’s the light of my life (I now understand that saying) and such a sweet, happy baby.

 

Blogging, babies and selfish behavior. 

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“Blog” has been on my to-do list for literally the past seven+ months. It’s not that I don’t have the time, I do. It’s not that I don’t want, I do. I just don’t, and I don’t know what the “why” is. 

It’s crazy to believe we have a soon to be 15 month old. It’s even crazier to look back and think about the struggles we had to get her here. All the everything we went through. The pregnancy seemed fast and slow all at the same time. The last 15 months have gone exactly the same way. The struggle to get here is a distant memory some days. Some days this all seems normal. And then I have a moment where I realize how completely hard it was to get to this moment. I am thankful I didn’t give up when I wanted to, and man did I want to. 

She’s a great, easy baby. She’s a great eater and sleeper and always has been. Her temperament is awesome. She’s sweet, feeds her babies milk before feeding herself, says mama and buh bye so sweetly. She’s 100% perfect. 

Of course there’s always the question of when number two will come. People ask when we’ll have another. When I smile and say, “oh, she’ll be an only child,” they look at me like I have three heads. Someone even told me I shouldn’t be selfish and give her a sibling. You don’t want her growing up alone. She’s so beautiful/good/smart/etc, you have to have another. 

When the truth is, I want to have another baby, even after saying a million times when I was pregnant with her I’d never get pregnant again. The truth is, that pregnancy was mentally and emotionally draining on me. Physically,  I was fine except for the lovenox and heprin shots and the progesterone inserts and pills. I don’t know if I can go back there. I don’t know if I can handle the pink lines again, the waiting, the not knowing, the always checking for blood and sleepless nights because the baby might die tonight. So I guess I am selfish. 

But I also think it’s selfish of me to want another baby. We go so lucky with Lili. She’s perfect and yes I do want another. And yes, I’d love to give her that sibling. But it’s selfish of me too, because I want that baby. I want more baby snuggles and late night feedings. That’s selfish. We should stop while we’re ahead. Tempting fate does not appeal to me again. 

I had an ultrasound the past week. It showed that I have a fibroid in my uterine lining. I suspected as much; my periods have been a little off. I also have endometrioma as a result of the csection, which needs to come out at some point. I see my doctor in two weeks, and from there we’ll decide either to have a hysterectomy to relieve both problems or we’ll try for another pregnancy and at the end of that pregnancy I’ll have a hysterectomy. The first is more likely to happen. And that makes me incredibly sad. 

I will try to post the decision in a timely manner… at this point, I’m fairly certain “blogging” will be taken off the to-do in the future. I think I needed it once upon a time, but not anymore… 

Twenty-One

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We were 21 weeks on Friday. Still doesn’t seem any more real. We haven’t done anything to prepare for the nursery yet and we still haven’t purchased anything for her. My stomach is getting harder and bigger and the ultrasounds have been great. From what the doctors tell me, she and I are doing wonderfully. I’ll update again later with an ultrasound picture and other tidbits.

We’re currently in Ohio watching my brother-in-laws six kids for their 10 year anniversary. From zero to six: We’re certifiable.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Miscarriage vs. Abortion

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Please read the article attached to this blog.

Operation: Miracle

I came across this article on Facebook and thought I’d share it here. I’ve never had a miscarriage or an abortion so I can’t say I understand exactly the feelings of loss.

I do, however, understand the feelings of loss about never having biological children with my husband. And the loss of dreams about those babies. And the loss of dreams about unplanned or accidental pregnancies or even just trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way.

Here’s the link to the article:
http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/05/13/how-abortion-has-changed-the-discussion-of-miscarriage/

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Return to Zero – Breaking the Silence

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A Mourning Mom

Return to Zero premiers May 17th (tomorrow) on Lifetime at 8 pm/7pm central.   This is the first movie made about the stillbirth of a child.   The mission of the film is to break the silence surrounding stillbirth, miscarriage and neonatal death.

“The impact that one stillbirth has on the mother, the father, their family, and friends is devastating — a shock-wave of pain, guilt and then, too often, silence. The majority of those affected, especially the mothers, suffer in this silence often believing that their grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.

While planning to entertain and enlighten all audiences with a dramatic tale of the strength and resilience of the human spirit, RETURN TO ZERO intends to break through the silence and become a beacon of cinematic light to the millions in search of answers, understanding and healing.”

Unlike the new show Resurrection, I know that I…

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